"You're Scary When You're Mad"

Men's Anger, Women's Fear, And Love Without Harm

In a recent "ask me anything" question box, I received the following question:

"How to make a man understand that his angry conduct in conflict comes off scary?"

This question is important and complex, so today I'm diving in. This question simply cannot be answered without a context and nuance, so buckle up for a deep dive.

I'll explore:

why men sometimes don't spot their own aggression,
the difference between safe and scary anger,
how to understand why your behavior scares your partner/how to convey to your partner why his behavior scares you,
the role of sensitivity and how to work together if you're sensitive to over-perceiving aggression.

Let's get down to it.

These are general insights that might not apply to you—this is a newsletter, not therapy. If you're looking for personalized support, make sure to reach out to a licensed individual or couples therapist in your area ❤️

Let's get on the same page about a few things first.

A partner of any gender can act scary and aggressive. I'm talking in this post about dynamics that present in some heterosexual relationships, but that does not diminish any person of any gender's experience of being afraid of their partner of any gender.
Some behavior is scary because it's scary. Anyone will feel frightened if their partner screams inches from their face, is physically aggressive with them, threatens them...etc. While aggressive behavior is sadly common in relationships, it isn't safe, and it isn't okay. This isn't a gender thing. If your partner is engages in aggression and then says they don't get why you're scared, this is a huge red flag for abuse.

Okay, now we're all working with the same foundation.

Why Some Men Might Not See Their Own Aggression

Let's break down some of the reasons why some men don't always "get" why their partners perceive them as scary.

The same behavior would not scare him in reverse. Maybe when your partner stands in the doorway while you're fighting, you feel intimidated, like you're trapped. Many women find this behavior frightening, and many men do not. There's a lack of accurate perspective taking; he is thinking about the situation from his own standpoint rather than hers.
He is focused on his intentions and not how he is perceived. He might know he has absolutely no intention of physically harming or scaring his partner. That is not his goal or motive whatsoever. Because he knows he wouldn't and won't harm her, he assumes she also knows that, not just intellectually but on a physical, ingrained level.
He is oblivious about his advantage in physical size/strength. I don't want to overgeneralize because plenty of women are physically stronger than plenty of men, but in many heterosexual relationships, women are acutely aware that they are not stronger than their partner and that they could theoretically be overpowered in a physical struggle. That means that men's use of their bodies comes with extra meaning. Nonverbal behavior by the physically stronger partner holds extra weight because it can more easily imply a threat even without that intention.

Some men are well aware that women might experience them as threatening and adjust their behavior to ensure that their partners and others around them feel safe. Others are less aware and need to purposefully develop that awareness. Remember, I am talking here about more subtle behaviors that are not straight up scary (and again, if your partner needs you to explain why overt aggression isn't okay, we have a serious problem).

Are Men Allowed To Be Angry?

You might read the above and think, "well damn, even when I'm not acting aggressive, my partner might still think I'm being aggressive. I guess I'm not allowed to be angry and show it."

First of all, many men have been socialized to feel and express anger at the expense of most other emotions. I would not say that there is a shortage of male anger in the world. For some guys, just about any strong negative emotion will be filtered through the lens of anger. In an intimate relationship, of course it's important to show a full spectrum of emotions, and it's worth pausing and asking yourself...is anger actually the feeling being suppressed?

Second, you can absolutely feel and express anger without aggression (I talk more about how in this post). For example...

You do not need to stand very close to your partner in order to express anger. You can express anger from a distance that feels safe to them.

You do not need to shout to express anger. You can speak in a normal tone and volume and still be perfectly clear about your emotions.

You do not need to say hostile, cruel things to express anger. You can share emotion without attacking them.

It's tempting to tell yourself stuff like, "I guess I'm not allowed to get angry." But drill down, and hopefully you'll see that you have room for anger as long as it is expressed without hostility or aggression.

How To Help Him "Get It"

In a safe, healthy partnership, your partner will care if they scare you. That doesn't mean they will necessarily get it or agree that they are being scary, but they will care. They will be interested in understanding why you feel afraid. If your partner doesn't care that you're scared and is primarily focused on how unfair it is that you're asking him to show up differently, please consider (ideally with an individual therapist) whether this is a safe relationship at all.

Assuming you have a partner who does care that you feel scared but just doesn't understand exactly what is scary about his behavior or have clarity on what to do instead, here's what I would say if I had him in front of me.

"Your experience of having a human body in the world is really different than hers. You know you're not going to hurt her, so you feel safe. You also know she's not going to hurt you (or that even if she tried, she wouldn't be able to), because life in your body has reinforced those beliefs.

She's not telling you that you're a bad guy. She's saying that when you're loud or when you use your body and physicality to emphasize your emotions, her brain perceives a threat. She can't hear you because she's now totally focused on how you could hurt her. She feels scared, so you won't receive acknowledgement or understanding. It's lose lose.

I need you to believe her when she says she's scared, even though you don't mean to scare her. If you are willing to do that, we can work on how you can share all your emotions, including anger, without breaking trust and safety in your relationship."

What If You're Sensitive?

I want to add a layer of nuance here. What if you have had experiences in life that have left you with an overactive threat detection system? What if you frequently feel unsafe even when there are no true danger cues?

You may perceive aggression that is just not there. This can be tricky, because while your partner should care about your felt sense of safety, they are also a human being with feelings. If them feeling hurt or angry and expressing those feelings makes you feel unsafe, it's not reasonable to ask them to just stop having those feelings or sharing them.

Concrete examples:

When your partner says, "I'm feeling mad at you because of X situation" you feel frightened, regardless of how calm their tone is.
Even slight elevations in your partner's volume feel scary.
When their facial expression shows emotion, you feel afraid, even though they are behaving and speaking appropriately.
You feel freaked out when they cry or make sounds of distress, even when they're not saying or doing anything aggressive.

Ideally, when one partner is sensitive and over-perceives aggression, you will both work together to ensure everyone feels as safe as they can.

For example, you can:

Establish a protocol for how you can get care if you startle when your partner raises their voice a bit.
Agree on a code word that means "you're not doing anything wrong but I'm still freaked out, please pause for a moment."
Find ways for your partner to express stronger emotion asynchronously or in writing.
Stretch for each other; one partner strives to tolerate a wider range of intensity while the other brings their intensity down.

Context Is Everything

Like I said up top, context is everything for this topic. For couples who have always been completely safe partners to each other, you might have more room for emotionally intense expressions of anger. For couples who have had a safety violation or instance of aggression, the priority must be getting to zero aggression.

I strongly encourage you to reflect on your own context as you consider the insights in this post.

I will close with a personal story, which I hope humanizes this complex topic.

As I wrote this, I remembered a moment from my own relationship. I'm in a safe partnership in which there has been zero aggression, full stop.

I can tend to be a bit snappy or edgy, and my husband is overall very gentle and even keeled. But one time, he was annoyed about something and snapped at me in response to something I said. He didn't shout or say anything mean. But his tone was on the harsh side, which is honestly rare.

There was nothing wrong with what he said or how he said it. And yet, I remember flinching and tears suddenly filling my eyes. In that moment, I suddenly felt scared, despite having no immediate reason for that feeling. Even though he was across the room at the time, I remember feeling our physical size difference, which is substantial. It was like a leftover reflex, an instinctive response, my brain reminding me that he could potentially hurt me.

What happened next? He noticed that I had started crying. He slowed down and asked what I needed. He showed me with his voice and body that he was not a threat. The physiological alert that had been set off in me subsided.

In this situation, he didn't do anything wrong. He wasn't being scary. But I still felt scared. Rather than centering how that was unreasonable of me, he tuned in and helped me feel safe. And then we moved on! I was able to respond to the thing he had snapped about in the first place because my body was no longer shouting "danger danger danger" at me. I ultimately had much more capacity to hear his annoyance because he was invested enough to make sure I was okay.

He didn't lose anything by responding to me attentively. If anything, I think we both gained understanding and connection by being willing to acknowledge the weird interpersonal vibe that had happened and work through it together. And at the end of the day, that's how safety is built, reinforced, and maintained.

Love Notes for Real Life is reader-supported and affiliate-free.