Safety After Trauma

When You Can't Trust Your Own Alarm System

Recently, I put up a question box on Instagram, and was intrigued when I got 3-4 variations of the same question.

In short, more than one person asked:

"I know my own history of trauma impacts how I see my partner. It's difficult for me to tell what is bad behavior and what is me, being hypervigilant or highly reactive because of my past."

I appreciate this question so much, because it shows true self-awareness. It's not just that smoke doesn't always mean fire (although that's real). It's that an overactive smoke alarm will react to stuff that is not even smoke—dust, steam, heat from the vacuum—and your body will get the exact same rush of adrenaline when you respond as if there's real flames.

I worry that a lot of relationship content misses this nuance. Not all hurts indicate harm. And if you assume that when you feel hurt, your partner has done something terribly wrong, you're likely to approach them with strategies that will cause them to wall off, and then you're left without the care you wanted in the first place.

Today, I'm writing about ways to establish relational safety when you know your internal barometer is a little wonky.

We'll discuss:

• how to assess whether your smoke detector is overactive, underactive, or both,
• strategies to ground yourself and reality check,
• and how to get care when there has been no harm, but you're still hurting.

Checking Your Smoke Alarm

If you have experienced harmful relationships (in childhood and/or adulthood), you might experience one of three distinct smoke alarm malfunctions.

1. Your alarm does not adequately detect smoke. You under-react to harmful behavior. This is a very real concern, because people with trauma histories are vulnerable to further revictimization. You might struggle to clearly label problematic or abusive actions, realizing only after the fact that something was not okay.
2. Your alarm over-detects smoke. You are constantly getting false alerts. The possibility of being hurt again is such a palpable risk that your system protects you from it at all costs, firing at times when nothing much is up. This has a cost to your relationships, because it's unpleasant for your partner when you're constantly suspicious of their intentions or accuse them of harm they haven't committed.
3. Your alarm both over-and-under detects smoke, context depending. It might feel like your alarm goes off when you're sautéing onions but then doesn't go off when the house is burning down. This combo is particularly destabilizing, because you might not feel like you can trust your own perceptions at all.

Looking back on your history of relationships, do you see yourself in any of these three types? Do you stay in bad situations way too long, ignoring signs of harm? Do you tend to assume the worst, later realizing that your partner's behavior was understandable? Or do you see a scattering of both, your smoke alarm sometimes misfiring and sometimes staying silent when it should be blaring?

Having accurate self-awareness of your own tendency is helpful. It's data. If you know your "gut" isn't always right, it's useful to know in what direction it tends to err.

Check The Facts

Instead of relying on something as abstract and potentially fallible as your instincts, I encourage you to start building confidence in your judgement via concrete facts.

If you've hung around here long, you likely know I'm not a big fan of inserting jargon or psychobabble into relationships. I have lots of reasons for this stance, but one of the main reasons comes up here. It is just plain confusing!

If you're trying to spot if your partner is "a narcissist" or "an avoidant," you're relying on your own (probably imperfect) understanding of these concepts.

But if you're looking for clues of concrete behavior that crosses either the line of acceptable behavior in general or your own personal boundaries, you will be so much more grounded.

When I'm talking about concrete facts, what I mean is what you can literally see happening. Imagine someone recorded you and your partner. What would they see and hear?

Concrete facts can be things like:

• "I was speaking, and my partner interrupted me."
• "I sent a text that asked to talk, and they did not respond to that text."
• "When I brought up my hurt feelings, they said 'you are making things up.'"

You can do this on-the-fly during hard interactions as a way to connect to reality, and it's also a useful strategy when you're on your own.

Place The Facts In Context

If you've missed harm or overreacted to minor stuff in the past, part of this process includes starting to look with a bit of emotional distance at what is happening in your relationship.

Instead of being guided by your emotional intensity (like, "I feel incredibly hurt, so that means they did something incredibly bad"), you can hold up what actually happened and compare it to your values and desires.

Your internal dialogue might look something like this:

"Okay, so what factually happened is that I asked my partner to pick up some coffee, and they forgot. When I brought it up, they said they had a really busy day and forgot, and they apologized. I wish they hadn't forgot, and it's true that this sort of thing has happened occasionally before. In general though, I find that they do what they say they will do."

In context, you may decide that your partner's actions, while irritating, are not a highly concerning betrayal.

Alternately, you might realize that there is a pattern, and while it's not life-threatening, you want to address it.

"They forgot the coffee, and they did acknowledge that they forgot and apologize. But what I'm also noticing is that this sort of thing happens often, perhaps once a week. I can think of a few recent examples where they forgot something I asked. In general, the things they forget are minor, and I do feel like I can trust them with big stuff. But I want to be able to trust them with small stuff too."

When you have clarity on what exactly happened and the broader context, you can make a decision about how you want to proceed that isn't rooted in temporary emotional reactivity (or lack thereof).

Getting Care When There's Smoke But No Fire

What happens when you feel incredibly hurt, but recognize that your partner has not behaved harmfully? Most of the time, we just want care, regardless of why we're hurting.

It will help so much here to take acountability for your own wonky alarm system.

This can sound like:

"I can see that you didn't actually do anything wrong here, but my threat detectors are all firing. Can you hold me and remind me that you love me and won't betray me?"

Obviously the exact words will vary based on the situation, but just being able to take ownership that your emotions are not a direct product of their actions really tends to free up compassion.

Also, sharing some of your more vulnerable feelings (like fear, worry, and shame) will typically generate more care rather than leading with hostility.

With time, you can absolutely build a more accurate alarm system. And the practice above is one concrete way to do so. Even just recognizing that your smoke alarm tends to misfire is an important first step to recalibrating.

Do you struggle with either an underactive or overactive smoke alarm? If you've made progress discerning fire from crispy toast, comment what's worked for you!