Why Your Sex Life Is Stagnating

How To Turn The Pressure Down and the Heat Up

What does it mean to have sex? I'm not asking philosophically. I mean literally. When you say to your partner, "do you want to have sex later?" what do you actually mean?

Now you might be savvy enough to know the answer "should" be something like: "let's experience sensual pleasure of any kind we desire together!" But in all likelihood, what you actually mean when you say "wanna do it?" is a very specific set of actions in a very specific order.

Couples tend to have a sexual repertoire or series of sexual acts they do in sequence that they call "sex." The "standard" for most heterosexual couples tends to be something like: kiss, touch/oral stimulation, penetration. Queer couples often have more variety in the routine, but particularly in long term relationships, there's usually still a standard repertoire. Typically the "goal" or end point of the interaction is that one or both people have an orgasm.

Now to be clear, having a standard type of sex you enjoy is not a problem. If things go right, one of the benefits of being with someone for a long time is knowing what they like. Why not cut straight to the parts you both prefer?

But there are also downsides to doing the same acts in the same sequence again and again and even more so, downsides to "do you want to have sex?" only ever meaning that specific sequence.

In the long run, the way almost all couples are asking and responding to this question is resulting in everyone having way less and way worse sex.

In today's Love Note, I'm exploring why exactly we're so attached to the idea that sex means one thing and how to break out of that mindset.

In this one I'll explore:

• why you're thinking about sexual "variety" all wrong,
• what you should focus on instead of "spicing it up,"
• how to prioritize pleasure without adding pressure,
• an exercise to try at home,
• and some mindset work if all this feels tricky for you.

Keep reading to turn up the heat...the right way!