Your Partner's "Teasing" Hurts Your Feelings
Finding the line between playful banter and harsh jabs
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Your partner "talks shit" to show love, affection, and closeness. Perhaps they grew up in a family, community, or culture where this style of communication is the norm. They don't think much of it...this is just how they talk. Connection isn't stated explicitly in heartfelt words—it's demonstrated by how comfortable you are ribbing each other.
But for you, teasing is a sticky subject. Sure, you don't mind laughing at yourself, but you don't want to be genuinely made fun of, especially about sensitive stuff. You try to explain to your partner that their words hurt, even though you know they don't intend to. But you come off as humorless, self-serious, or delicate. And perhaps they get defensive, because you're telling them that their natural style of sharing love not only doesn't feel good, it hurts.
I've experienced this one first hand, and it's tricky! My husband and I came from different norms around teasing. While I wouldn't necessarily say teasing was off-the-table in my family of origin, it wasn't the typical way we related to each other. And unless someone was genuinely trying to be mean, any teasing was very light and superficial. I'll also add that my family of origin (myself included) can trend a bit on the literal and self-serious side. We quite frequently miss each other's jokes and respond with a straightforward answer to something that was not meant to be taken literally.
In contrast, my husband's family of origin teases each other a lot. When we first got together I had a few moments where I silenced a gasp because what do you mean someone just said that and acted like it was a joke?!
Understandably, we each brought our styles to our marriage. And while it was never a huge issue, we had many iterations of the same conversation.
Me: "Ouch, that hurt my feelings!"
My husband: "I'm just teasing you."
Me: "I don't think you are, it feels like that's what you really think about me!"
It took us several years to learn each other's languages. I set firm boundaries around topics that just aren't okay for me to be teased about. He learned to understand and respect those boundaries—and also figured out what topics are fun and playful for me. I also learned over time that there really isn't a hidden edge of passive aggression to his teasing, which has allowed me to extend my tolerance for a bit of poking fun.
All to say...teasing can absolutely have a place in a healthy relationship! But it's only fun if everyone's having fun.
So, what can you do when you and your partner have very different preferences and tolerances when it comes to teasing? When their "just a joke" leaves you choked up and tearful regardless of the fact that they didn't mean anything by it?
In this Love Note I'm hitting both sides of this equation. We'll talk through:
- how the partner with the sensitivity to teasing can share their pain effectively, get clarity on why teasing hurts, and set boundaries as needed around what teasing they're not okay with,
- and how the partner who loves a bit of zesty teasing can gain understanding for their partner's hurt, hear the feedback non-defensively, and find the zone of teasing that works for both of you (because you don't have to give up your sense of humor to be sensitive to their needs).
Let's dive right in.