How My Husband And I Fixed Our Division of Labor Imbalance
After Years Of Trying And Failing For Fairness
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Confession...I avoid writing about mental load and division of labor. I have a legitimate excuse because interestingly enough, high conflict couples tend to do better in these domains than you might expect, so it's not a frequent topic request.
If pressed, I might also say "that topic brings out too many trolls." And that's a fact—the rhetoric on division of labor is really intense right now. There are a lot of very black and white takes (in all directions) that do not align with my personal or professional experience.
But while these are both honest answers, they're not the only truth. The deeper truth is that division of labor was historically the most challenging aspect of my relationship, and I haven't always known how to talk about or integrate that reality tidily into an essay. As an "expert," it's difficult to write about something personal that feels unresolved. Plus, when I've touched these topics on social media, I am inevitably told that my husband must be a man child or that I must hate him and also all men.
But this past year, we made big progress. We dropped the struggle and rebuilt our way of interacting around all the stuff we have to do and carry. And what's crazy is that we didn't do it by talking about laundry, listing every task in our lives, or blaming each other.
This post is a little different from most rhetoric on mental load. I'm not presenting an elaborate system or plan (so if you're hoping for that, walk away now). But I am going to tell you exactly how we released a dynamic that had a chokehold on our relationship.
Deep breath (on my part)...let's talk about it.