Sex Is Not a Nike Ad

Don't "just do it"

You may have heard that there are different types of desire. You might feel desire spontaneously ("you know what, sex sounds good right now"). Or you might feel desire responsively ("I'll know whether sex sounds good after I start touching and kissing"). Some people tend more spontaneous or responsive in general but you will also likely experience both at different times in your lifetime and the span of a relationship.

These concepts are helpful and freeing for a lot of people. Knowing that you won't always voraciously "want" sex can take the pressure off. You can start an erotic experience and see what you end up desiring as you progress. And desire types can also help more spontaneous partners understand and work with their more responsive partners.

But I also see people using the language of responsive desire in ways that are hurting, not helping. I see partners with responsive desire using this framework as justification to push themselves into intimacy that they don't actually want. I see partners with responsive desire conditioning themselves into dreading sex because they know they'll "get there" on the other side but have to ride out the part where they're not into it.

None of this is good for your sex life and can leave you wanting less sex than before (just with new language). So today, I want to lay out a different paradigm for desire, one that leaves you with better options than "sex is sometimes like the gym, you might not want to go at first, but then you get there and have a good workout."

I'm so excited to help you rebuild a healthier relationship to your own desire (or lack thereof). So let's get into it.