Relational Hypervigilance Is Sabotaging Your Relationship

When Your Perceptiveness Doesn't Serve You

I've written recently about how your life experiences can leave you with an overly sensitive alarm system when it comes to relationships.

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As a result, you may feel deeply hurt in situations where there has been minimal harm. This is, to put it plainly, a mind fuck, because sometimes others have harmed you, and you need to take self-protective action, but other times there is a blaring alarm but no fire. It's confusing.

I talk about this tendency in terms of relational hypervigilance. You have a reactive alarm system. It will sound to protect you even when there's not too much going on.

Relationally hypervigilant people don't just pay attention to potential injuries. They pay attention to every subtle shift in their partner's energy. If you're relationally hypervigilant, you are probably extremely dialed in to your partner and their vibes.

They're a bit grumpy? You spot it instantly.

They're stressed about work? You notice before they put words to it.

They're anxious to see their parents for the holidays? You are ready to process it, whether they want to or not.

This sort of tight monitoring of your partner's energy can look like attentiveness, but it has costs, to you, your partner, and your relationship.

It is very typical for one or both partners in a high conflict relationship to be relationally hypervigilant. Today, I'm unpacking why and how relational hypervigilance derails your relationship and offering practical strategies to unlatch from this tendency today.