It's Not My Partner's Job To Regulate Me

Working Through Distress Without Projection

I love watching a show at night with my husband. It's cozy, we chit chat and catch up (particularly if we're watching something on the trashy side that doesn't need our full attention). I don't think I need to explain to anyone that watching TV and snuggling with your partner is a nice time.

But for me, it's not just warm and fuzzy togetherness. It's also one of the only reliable times I can get myself to chill out. I really struggle to be "unproductive" on my own, but with him next to me I can fully unwind. He co-regulates me. It's a form of "body doubling" where his presence next to me signals, "hey, we're relaxing right now."

In short, I really rely on my husband to access relaxation. But although I benefit from his presence each night, that doesn't mean that he is obligated to sit next to me every single night of our lives.

Although I know this intellectually, it didn't stop me from going into a bit of a tailspin recently when he surprised me by declining our usual nightly plans.

Today, I'm breaking down:

• how I worked through my feelings of frustration that he wasn't available,
• what I did for myself to salvage my night,
• and the steps I'm taking to foster more independent coping (while still using our connection as a resource).

Keep reading!