How To Cope When A Conflict Is On Ice
Dealing With Lack of Resolution Until The Time Is Right To Talk
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Let's get right into it! Today I'm answering a reader question that I think many will relate to. Here's what they wrote:
"A dynamic I've noticed that I'm curious about your thoughts on is when one partner is so conflict avoidant that when there's a conflict, if we pause or go to bed, they pretend it never happened. For me, I experience both the unresolved conflict and the dissonance of pretending nothing happened. I find this tension and dissonance to be pretty unbearable and then tend to escalate. How can I better sit with the dissonance (at least for now) while my partner works on their comfort with conflict?"
I love this question because their self-awareness is so evident, as is their willingness to work on their side. We're going in with the assumption that yes, sometimes, conflicts will need to be paused. Life keeps life-ing, and it's not always practical to fully resolve a disagreement or repair a wound in real time.
But for some folks, it feels really terrible to just "act like everything is normal."
I have lots of thoughts, in part because this is a common struggle and in part because it's one I personally had to learn for myself.
Marina Rosenthal
In today's Love Note, I'll explore:
- why it may not be as simple as "they pretend it never happened,"
- how to reset your mindset around putting conflict on ice,
- ways to explore your fears about unresolved conflict,
- and getting to the root of what you actually need when conflict isn't yet resolved.
Let's jump on in.