How To Cope When A Conflict Is On Ice

Dealing With Lack of Resolution Until The Time Is Right To Talk

Let's get right into it! Today I'm answering a reader question that I think many will relate to. Here's what they wrote:

"A dynamic I've noticed that I'm curious about your thoughts on is when one partner is so conflict avoidant that when there's a conflict, if we pause or go to bed, they pretend it never happened. For me, I experience both the unresolved conflict and the dissonance of pretending nothing happened. I find this tension and dissonance to be pretty unbearable and then tend to escalate. How can I better sit with the dissonance (at least for now) while my partner works on their comfort with conflict?"

I love this question because their self-awareness is so evident, as is their willingness to work on their side. We're going in with the assumption that yes, sometimes, conflicts will need to be paused. Life keeps life-ing, and it's not always practical to fully resolve a disagreement or repair a wound in real time.

But for some folks, it feels really terrible to just "act like everything is normal."

I have lots of thoughts, in part because this is a common struggle and in part because it's one I personally had to learn for myself.

Stop Fighting Late At Night

Even If You Can’t Fall Asleep My husband Z and I had been dating for about a year, and we’d recently moved in together, which brought up new challenges and conflicts. I brought up a hurt feeling, and while he offered a quick “sorry,” it wasn’t enough. So, I explained

Love Notes for Real LifeMarina Rosenthal

In today's Love Note, I'll explore:

• why it may not be as simple as "they pretend it never happened,"
• how to reset your mindset around putting conflict on ice,
• ways to explore your fears about unresolved conflict,
• and getting to the root of what you actually need when conflict isn't yet resolved.

Let's jump on in.

Note: I'm answering this with the assumption that conflicts do eventually get resolved. If you have a partner who is genuinely unwilling to come back to conflicts at any point in time, that's a different situation and much of this may not apply.

"They Pretend It Never Happened"

I'm going to offer a little tough love to start. You don't actually know that your partner "pretends it never happened." That is very much a perception, not a fact, unless they've explicitly told you that's how they cope.

You can likely see that they do not appear visibly distressed without resolution and what that means to you is pretending it never happened.

I point out this discrepancy just because polarized thinking like this tends to multiply in conflict and makes resolution harder not easier. If you see your partner as a robot who can just turn off their feelings, you've subtly positioned yourself in opposition to them.

For many "conflict avoidant" partners, they're not pretending nothing happened. They're regulating via daily living. It did happen, and to calm themselves and restore their sense of internal balance, they are focusing on the routine, normal stuff that helps them feel, well...normal!

See if you can stretch your understanding of what they're doing just a smidge. One of the best things you can do for your relationship is honor the inherent wisdom in each person's natural coping style (even if the actual behaviors or expression of that coping style aren't adaptive and need to change).

Why Are Pauses Good For YOU?

What this reader describes is so common. Their partner can easily put a conflict on ice for the day or night. But the reader struggles and feels the tension and dissonance of knowing there is conflict that is not currently being discussed.

When you and your partner differ in this regard, it's easy to fixate on how your partner needs breaks and your partner needs to go to bed. But it really helps if you can get some buy-in yourself on the purpose of putting a conflict on ice.

Even though pausing conflict is uncomfortable, you might recognize that:

• You end up saying things you later regret when you keep fighting late at night.
• You wish you could continue daily living despite conflict and know you would benefit from building this skill.
• You know you'll resolve a conflict faster and better if you don't put pressure on resolving it all at once.
• You learned that all conflict is urgent from your caregivers and would like to leave that lesson behind.

Find a way to connect to your own (not your partner's) reasons for pausing conflict. Not avoiding conflict indefinitely, because of course that's not a healthy choice either. But why is putting conflict on ice to prioritize sleep or work or parenting or important plans or self-regulation positive for you?

What Do You Fear?

The reader articulated it really well: the dissonance of pretending nothing happened can feel unbearable.

What I'd encourage anyone who feels this way to explore is what exactly your brain is telling you is so threatening, wrong, or scary about putting a conflict on ice. What does it mean when a conflict is still there but unspoken? What bad thing might happen?

As I shared, I've grappled with this one personally, and when it used to feel very difficult for me to simply exist without conflict resolution, I (not always consciously) believed things like:

• "If we don't talk about it now, we'll never talk about it."
• "If my partner isn't available to talk right now, that means he doesn't care about me or my feelings."
• "I won't sleep a wink if we don't resolve this conflict right now."
• "I can't cope if we don't resolve this right now. My distress will be too intense."

Now here's the thing. Many of these were just not true. My husband cared about me a lot. We always revisited the topic the next day at the latest. Sometimes I had trouble falling asleep, but I did sleep eventually and got better at going to sleep despite unresolved conflict with practice. And factually speaking...I did cope! I "survived" the tension of unresolved conflict, even though my brain told me I couldn't.

Take a moment to explore your own beliefs about what unresolved conflict really means to you. Or, put another way...if you leave a conflict on ice, what will it "say" about you, your partner, or the relationship?

And remember, continuing daily living even with unresolved conflict doesn't actually mean you need to pretend it didn't happen. Of course it happened and you know it happened! It may help to write a new narrative here, like, "we both know the fight happened, and we're waiting till it's a good time to talk" or "this conflict is important enough to be addressed when we're not exhausted."

What Do You Need To Feel Safe In The Pause?

Assuming that it will sometimes be necessary to pause a conflict for life/sleep/human reasons, what would you need for it to feel less fake and dissonant and more intentional and connected?

I want you to answer this as concretely and specifically as possible. Imagine you've been talking for an hour, and your partner says, "I need to stop talking about this for a while. I told the kids I would build a fort with them."

"Fine, that makes sense," you think. But it feels bad! And every time they walk through the room you're in, you feel even worse. How are they okay? Why are they acting like nothing happened?

Now, think through exactly what you wish they would do in this situation. What would "not pretending it didn't happen" actually look like?

For example, maybe you wish they would:

• shoot a quick text, "I love you, we'll talk about it more after bedtime,"
• give you a hug before leaving,
• touch you or look at you with care when they enter and exit the room,
• not touch you or look at you when they enter and exit the room,
• or say, "I'm sorry we're fighting, I know this is hard" every so often.

It is not necessarily obvious to a person who is not you what exactly would reduce the dissonance. And, a little gentle nudge here...sometimes, nothing will. Sometimes what you actually want is none of the above, you want to keep talking. And in those moments when you've agreed, "we really can't keep talking right now," the best thing you can do is let yourself feel uncomfortable instead of trying to resolve that discomfort. You won't strengthen the muscle if you never give yourself the chance to ride out the hard feeling.

Even if you tell your partner exactly what you need, they may not always deliver it. But if you do get clarity, like, "you know, putting a conflict on ice would feel a million times better if we hugged first," definitely tell them that!

Dissonance Is Okay

Here's where I want to leave you. Dissonance is not inherently bad. I think for a lot of us who might relate to this reader's struggles, dissonance gets classified by our brains as unsafe.

But the truth is, it doesn't always feel good to make good choices. That's why I want you to hang onto your own reasons for learning how to cope when a conflict is on ice—your "why" and values that bring the task meaning.

If you can, make friends with the dissonance. Greet it. Say, "Hey, dissonance. You know I don't love you, but you're welcome here anyway." Settle in and let it exist, rather than trying to obliterate it.

Did you relate to this one? I'd love to know how you've learned to cope when conflicts are on ice.