Stop Fighting Late At Night

Even If You Can't Fall Asleep

My husband Z and I had been dating for about a year, and we'd recently moved in together, which brought up new challenges and conflicts. I brought up a hurt feeling, and while he offered a quick "sorry," it wasn't enough. So, I explained myself more. But the more I talked, the less I received.

He went from engaged (though not too talkative) to completely silent. Eventually, after I'd talked myself in circles, increasingly desperate to be understood, he said he wanted to go to bed. And then, he did. I watched him get ready, pull up the covers, and promptly fall asleep. I retreated to the living room crying.

Conflicts like this were rare for us, but when they happened, they felt absolutely awful. It felt particularly unfair that he could easily power down at the end of the night, and I was wrecked.

And although many different changes and skills brought us to the present day, where conflict never elicits this type of anguish, one change on my part drastically improved our conflict and bought us the solid foundation we needed for deeper work.

What change did I make? Going to bed on time, even when conflict was unresolved.

Today, I'm breaking down why this change made such a huge impact on our relationship and how you can steal my strategy, even if the idea of going to bed without resolving a conflict gives you hives.

Chasing Validation Fails Every Time

It doesn't take a doctorate in psychology to see that I did not feel totally secure in my relationship in those early days. I felt so much urgency to be understood—right here, right now—because I felt really scared that if I dropped the thread, it would never again be picked up.

My (unspoken) logic was: "If I don't make you see me right now, you never will."

It felt really bad to accept a mediocre apology in the moment, and I did not have the trust (yet) that I could allow him space and time to process and later share more.

I didn't trust him, but more importantly, I didn't trust myself. I did not believe that I could cope if I didn't get validation and emotional connection, right then. So I kept pushing and explaining.

I'm not absolving my husband here. Lackluster apologies and silence are not healthy responses to your partner's pain. He had work to do in this department.

But on my side, I critically needed to learn how to soothe and resource myself so that I could maintain basic self-care like sleep even if we weren't in a perfect state. Becoming so distraught that I stayed up alone for hours or obsessed over every word said was never going to get me the attunement I craved.

"This Isn't Who I Want To Be"

On one hand, it's absolutely true that my husband responded much better when I delivered fewer soliloquies, kept our regular bedtime, and made space for him to process and check in later.

But honestly, that's not why I decided to learn to go to bed unresolved.

I made the change for myself. Because I did not want to be someone who literally couldn't sleep if her partner didn't apologize "correctly." I didn't want to be so at the mercy of my own emotions that a relatively low-level rupture could shake me to my core unless he gave me the exact repair I needed, ASAP.

I decided to stop listening when my brain told me, "you have to stay up until you feel better." Not because it would serve Z (though it did), but because it was in service of the person I wanted to be.

Although he ultimately did learn new, more connective ways to function during conflict, tolerating my anxiety and going to bed without resolution was the right choice for me, regardless of how he responded.

The Messy Middle

When I decided to stop pushing us to stay up and keep talking until resolution, I still felt like crap when we stopped talking. We didn't fight often, but when we did, I would sit up by myself, too wired to rest.

But I started noticing something. Gradually, I felt less terrible. Gradually, I could actually spot ways that Z was trying to reassure me, behaviors I had missed when I was too wound in my emotions to see beyond myself.

Hugs and "I love you"s. A hand on my arm before he went to sleep. "Let's talk about this tomorrow" and "I'm thinking about what you said."

I remember listening to him breathe, asleep next to me. And I thought to myself, "What if you let yourself rest too?"

Bit by bit, I did. Month by month, my anxiety at the idea of unresolved conflict declined.

Conflict Only Gets Worse Late At Night

This topic tends to ruffle feathers, because going to bed when conflict isn't fully resolved is seen as acquiescing to your partner's needs while you suppress your own.

I guess you can choose to view it that way. But if this is a growth edge for you, like it was for me, consider what reasons you might have for learning this skill for yourself, not for them.

One last thing. This sort of effort will work best in a loving, mutual relationship. If your partner refuses to circle back, never repairs, and is an all around selfish jerk, that will all still be true in the morning. You can't build trust with someone who is not motivated to show up for you, day or night.

But regardless of your situation, I still don't recommend staying up and fighting. People tend to behave much worse later in the night and you're likely to deliver or sustain more harm. Even if your partner sucks, you'll still be safer avoiding those late night fights.

Did this one spark strong emotions? Let me know in the comments!