High Conflict But Highly Loving

Exploring A Subtype of High Conflict Relationships

Recently, I shared a post on Instagram about how many high conflict couples actually have highly loving relationships. Many people chimed in saying "this is us!". But others were skeptical, saying, "no, this is just a trauma bond."

If you know my work at all, you can probably guess that the language "trauma bond" is not my thing. I find unnecessary jargon and psychobabble creates mass confusion and even harm. But what I take this comment to mean is that some relationships feel loving, but beneath the cycle of intense fighting and romantic repair, there's really nothing of substance. Your connection only exists through the rush of hurting each other and coming back together again.

The above dynamic is real. Sometimes it's part of abuse, where one person is systematically disempowered by the other. Sometimes it's mutual but still totally toxic.

But my post referred to a different dynamic.

In my longstanding work with high conflict couples, I've seen a consistent subtype of relationships that truly have a very substantial love at their core. The conflict is perpetual and sometimes messy, but it happens on top of a pretty functional relationship.

Today, I'm exploring the subset of "high conflict but highly loving" couples. If you think this might describe your relationship, you're going to want to read this one! Let's go.