You're Annoying

The Relationship-Saving Game My Husband And I Play When We Travel With Our Kids

Long-term followers will remember that my husband and I play a game when we travel.

It's called "You Annoy Me." Yes, we did invent it, and yes it is awesome.

Today, in anticipation of the holiday travel that some of you might be gearing up for, I'm sharing the rules of the game and how you can use it in your own relationship to transform hellscape days into playful connection. I'll also offer up some concrete examples from past rounds of the game my husband and I played.

You don't want to miss this one!

The History of the Game

My husband and I invented this game two years ago while traveling with our then one year old and three year old. It was without a doubt the worst travel day we'd ever had with kids in tow. We had a long delay, our baby refused to nap but also desperately needed a nap, and we circled the tarmac for a solid 40-minutes due to a snow storm. The day felt cursed from the beginning, and we were on each other's last nerves before we even got through security.

But brilliance struck, and at some point during the day, we started keeping track of everything we were each doing that annoyed the other person. Suddenly, moments that previously felt impossible and overwhelming now felt impossible, overwhelming, and funny!

We solidified the rules that night and have played it on every travel day since, and I can't tell you how much lighter and freer travel feels when you're giving yourself full permission to be petty and you know it's not going to mess up your relationship.

If you're all like, "why would travel be stressful? It's a chill experience for my partner and me"...respectfully, stfu. Go enjoy your charmed life. I'll be here, managing my rage because my husband breathed wrong.

The Rules of The Game

Non-negotiable: YOU MUST BOTH AGREE TO PLAY. This is not solitaire. Don't play without your partner's enthusiastic consent.

Throughout the travel day, you'll each make a list in your phone of all the things your partner did throughout the day that annoyed you. Crucially, you won't mention those things in the moment. You'll remember you're playing a game and write them down instead.

Finally, when you get to your destination, you'll complete a dramatic reading of each other's lists. You read their list aloud, they read your list aloud. The person with the funniest list wins. Who judges, you might ask? I can't answer that for you, you'll have to rely on your instincts as a couple to decide.

Example Lists

You might be wondering, how serious should you get with your lists? Remember, part of the goal is to be funny, so we're not putting nasty stuff on the lists. That said, the items do often brush up against real pain points that we're choosing to handle with lightness because we're mid-gruesome travel with small children.

Items From My Past Lists (Stuff My Husband Did That Annoyed Me)

• He got back in bed after our alarm went off and acted like he was going to go back to sleep.
• He did not get his drivers' license renewed and flew with an expired license.
• He brought two laptops and put both of them in the backpack I was carrying.
• He encouraged our child to keep singing the song Fifty Nifty United States on repeat.
• He insisted on packing his foam roller at the last minute, requiring unzipping and shuffling an otherwise finished suitcase.
• He seemed to believe it was realistic for him to watch a movie on the airplane despite having two small children to manage.

Items From My Husband's Past Lists (Stuff I Did That Annoyed Him)

• I gave applesauce in the car to our baby, and she made a huge mess which he then had to clean up.
• I kept saying, "I don't want to be bossy" but it was clear that I did indeed want to be bossy.
• I engaged in severe backseat driving on the way to the airport.
• I asked him if he was cold in a weirdly hostile tone.
• I didn't bring a charger but then demanded that I use his because my charging needs were "priority."
• I purchased a very hot tea but had no hands to hold it and had him protect it for 40-minutes around our small children.

Honestly, I'm cracking up just reading these and giggling in anticipation of what our next lists will look like!

What If It Starts A Fight Or Hurts Your Feelings?

If your relationship is in terrible shape, probably don't play this game. This one is not for you if you're dealing with escalated conflict that pops off at the slightest nudge.

When I share about the game on Instagram, I also get questions about hurt feelings. What if hearing what you did that annoyed them hurts your feelings, or vice versa?

My response is that I know I'm annoying. Very often when I'm doing something, I'm fully aware that it will annoy my husband.

I straight-up don't believe that it is realistic for two humans in close proximity to each other to avoid annoying each other. And in fact, I worry that the expectation that you will never annoy your partner is actually setting you up for heartache.

This game helps you practice a more pragmatic, resilient mindset in real time!

Why Does This Work?

Mostly, this game is good clean fun, but there's actually logical reasons it can help boost your connection.

The game itself is a playful riff on exposure therapy principles in that it asks you to observe and tolerate something that you normally have a strong reaction to (your partner's annoying behavior) but purposefully prevent your typical reaction. It helps you notice that you can feel annoyed but not act out in that annoyance. And it also can help re-code minor annoyances that your brain is seeing as major threats.

You're building cognitive flexibility. You're teaching yourself that you can experience a stimulus (them doing something you find annoying) and not have an intense, immediate reaction in the moment. You're learning that it's safe (and even fun) to treat relationship complaints with a sprinkle of humor.

So play for fun, but know you're actually doing something powerful and therapeutic in the process!

If you have travel coming up, and you and your partner want to play the game, start planning! Feel free to bend the rules to your liking...and make sure to report back on how it goes!