How To Decide What You Can And Can't Accept In Your Relationship

What To Do When You Don't Know If Something Is A Dealbreaker

I know you know that no relationship is perfect. We all know this. But then, when it comes down to the reality of deciding what type of imperfect you can accept and welcome and what kind you will walk away from, it gets blurry.

You might see reels on Instagram about how important it is to have high expectations and not lower them no matter what and wonder if your standards are in the gutter. Or you might know that you expect a lot and start to question if your "requirements" in a relationship are unrealistic and unlikely to be met by any human.

I get questions all the time that amount to this:

"Should I put up with this behavior/lack of change/attitude/limitation in my partner? Or is this something I should draw a line at and walk away if they can't rise to the occasion?"

The simple answer is "you decide!". But in my experience, people end up really struggling with the question of how to decide and end up stuck in inertia for a long time, unhappy with what is but also unsure if they should walk away.

Today I'm exploring how to think about this question, sharing some tangible strategies, and even listing some things I think you should never accept. Let's dive on in.

Take Forever Off The Table (For Now)

It's easy to get hung up on the question of forever. Our culture idealizes the idea that you can commit to someone and know for absolute certain that you will never decide that you no longer want to be with them. It's a very romantic notion.

But the idea of forever puts way too much pressure on decisions about right now. If you can, take the idea of "would I want to live with this forever" off the table for a period of time. This will allow you space to observe how the present situation actually feels. It also prevents future forecasting about unknown variables that are out of your control.

Instead of "can I deal with this forever," start considering:

• How does this dynamic feel right now?
• Do I see consistent evidence of positive change over time or are we flat lined?
• On a scale of 1-10, how much does this bug me? Is it an annoyance? A real problem but not one that significantly gets in the way of my life? A major problem that impairs my happiness and health? Get a sense of severity.

Zoom Out To See The Full Picture

Sometimes, partners get really focused on one aspect of the relationship, one thing they don't prefer. And you get stuck on that thing without perspective on how much it impacts the broader relationship.

While everyone always has the right to make literally anything a deal breaker, in general I think of things that touch a small aspect of your life as pretty reasonable to accept. Perhaps your partner is intense about a hobby, and you don't love it. But ultimately, you get quality time with them, they show up for you, and the main downside to their hobby is that you just...don't like it. This is something I would probably encourage you to accept were we getting a coffee together.

Alternately, some negative traits or behavior touch everything.

Try to pull back and see the bigger picture of your partner and the relationship. Put their personality and tendencies in context. With a more expansive view, does the problem behavior or trait still dominate the picture?

You Can Live With It. You Are Living With It.

This is a bit of tough love, but I think it's important. Sometimes partners say repeatedly, "I can't live with XYZ." And then they proceed to live with it. (I'm not talking about situations where you literally can't leave).

If you find yourself saying again and again, "this isn't okay for me" or "I can't live with it" it's time to really reflect on whether that's true.

I am a big fan of getting specific rather than relying on emotionally evocative but ultimately vague language. For example:

• You may strongly dislike an aspect of your relationship but feel unwilling to end the relationship over that aspect. You can live with it, you are living with it, but you don't like it one bit.
• You may not know if you can continue to tolerate a situation, trait, or behavior in your relationship. Right now you are, but your capacity for this dynamic is waning.
• You know that you can accept the situation or trait. But doing so is costing you in terms of how you show up as a partner, and you're not sure if that cost is sustainable or worthwhile.

Spend some time with yourself really clarifying what is true. You don't have to have every answer...just figure out what answers you do have right now.

Do Something Rather Than Circling The Drain

Assuming you've already made numerous attempts to address the situation and are reaching a point where you think, "I might be done" I'm a fan of taking some form of concrete action rather than stewing on it.

Possible options:

• A structured separation to get space and/or create rapid change
• Deciding to take leaving off the table for 1 month or 3 or 6 and focusing instead on showing up as the best partner you can be, reevaluating after the time has passed.
• Focusing on your own growth and redirecting energy toward your personal goals for a specific period of time. Sometimes one person's momentum creates momentum in the relationship.
• Scheduling specific time to think about whether or not you want to stay in the relationship rather than ruminating on it all the time.
• Attending couples therapy together as an attempt to either increase your acceptance of the situation or create positive change.

Things Not To Accept

Of course everyone's context is different, but in general I feel comfortable taking a stance that you probably shouldn't accept the following:

• A partner who is completely tapped out of the relationship and won't engage in any sort of meaningful dialogue for a prolonged period of time. You can't make things work with someone who straight up will not participate in the relationship.
• A relationship that feels BAD most of the time. Regardless of responsibility or fault, you only get this one life. If your relationship leaves you feeling like garbage constantly, I would have you really question what is keeping you in it.
• A partner who cannot own up to anything, full stop. It's one thing to be a bit defensive or to deflect. It's another to take the stance, "I am never wrong." It is a huge pain to be with someone who can't engage in behavioral or verbal repair of any kind.
• A relationship in which you generally feel like your worst self. Everyone tends to show their messy bits with their partner, that's to be expected. But if you zoom out and think, "I do not like who I am in this relationship and nothing seems to move the needle" I don't love that for you one bit.

(I'm not listing abuse here, but of course that's something I would never want you to receive or accept. It's complicated, because it's not always simple to leave a dynamic in which you don't have full autonomy.)

I wish there were simple answers, but of course on this topic, there really aren't. What I find perfectly tolerable to accept in a relationship you might find excruciating.

Although my general messaging might suggest that I'm team "stick around and accept what is," that's really not it. I am just team you—your agency, your life, your happiness. If this question has been troubling you, I hope you start to get some clarity and motion one way or another.