If You're Both Hurting, Whose Hurt Comes First?
You Need Repair. So Do They. Now What?
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You and your partner are snipping back and forth at each other, the tension gradually escalating. Finally, you call out, "that felt out of line, you're hurting my feelings."
But instead of taking accountability and repairing with you, they say, "well, you just said XYZ one minute ago. That felt out of line and hurt my feelings."
And like...they're not wrong? But you're the one who named that you were hurt first, so shouldn't they repair with you first?
I see variations of this debate all the time in couples therapy and more recently, this topic has really taken the internet by a storm.
Is it fair to say that if you find the words to name a wound, your wound should be centered and addressed first? Or is "first come first served" an imperfect policy for relational ruptures?
In today's post:
- are you hurt too...or are you defensive?
- why the order matters when it comes to big wounds,
- a solid policy for when you're really not sure who should "go first,"
- and help with your mindset to make "we're both hurt what now" conversations go better.
Let's dive right in.