They Cheated. Now What?
Dealing With The Aftermath Of An Infidelity Disclosure
Welcome to Love Notes For Real Life! This is my space away from the noise of social media to dive deep into all the tricky, nuanced relationship topics you're struggling and puzzling over. Yes, it's a paid newsletter, but I promise it's worth it (and it's less than a fancy latte). You get weekly+ explorations, advice, and insight from me—a psychologist, high conflict couples therapist, and author. I hope you join the party!
You're reeling. You just discovered that your partner cheated. Whether it was 10 years ago or ongoing, whether it was once or 100 times...there's really no universe in which your perception and trust in your partner and relationship hasn't just exploded.
Many people believe they would never stay with a partner who cheated. And some don't...but others do. It's one of those life experiences that's very difficult to project yourself into in advance. And there are a million contexts and variables that will drive and explain your choice, whatever it is.
But in this exact moment, you're heartbroken, traumatized, and shaken to your core. In this state of acute injury, you may need to make some important decisions, and doing so is very difficult when you've just been hit with an enormous betrayal.
Today, I'm talking through some practical steps you can take in the immediate aftermath of discovering an infidelity to protect yourself and navigate this extremely tricky situation with care. I'm taking a realistic, concrete stance here, and I'm leaving the ultimate choice of whether to heal together or apart up to you. Because no matter what you believe about this subject in theory, your choice has to be right for you, not me or the internet.
I'll also talk through the long-term recovery trajectory and what you can look for if your partner is putting effort into healing with you.
I wrote this essay straight from the heart and from my wealth of clinical knowledge on this subject—I hope it lands with you if you've been in this painful spot. Let's get into the weeds.