"That Would Have Been A Dealbreaker"

What To Do When Your Long-Term Partner Develops New Behaviors You Can't Accept

Recently, a follower commented on a post of mine, and I couldn't stop thinking about it for days.

They wrote:

"The hard part is when you've been with your partner 2 decades and now they want to pick up habits that have always been deal breakers"

I actually tend to shy away from the language of "deal breakers" for long-term relationships specifically. When you're with someone for years or decades, it's not ideal to think of the relationship as a "deal" that can be broken. But my linguistic persnicketiness aside, of course you have a right to your boundaries about what sort of behavior you will and won't stick around for in a relationship. Those boundaries might be absolutely inviolable, with no room to bend, or they might have some degree of flexibility depending on your context.

For most people, your boundaries in long-term partnership will be somewhat more pliant than they would be for a second date. When you're in a mutual and loving relationship, of course you will want to extend and stretch to make it work to some extent at least.

But at the end of the day, there are likely some behaviors you might REALLY not want to accept. And you may have been crystal clear up front about those behaviors. You may have told your partner, "I absolutely cannot be in a relationship where XYZ happens."

And then, one, five, or twenty years down the line...XYZ happens.

Today, I'm exploring options when your dealbreakers show up within a long-term, committed relationship—one you're not eager to leave.