Ways I'm "Incompatible" With My Husband

The Normal Differences That Give Us Nonstop Trouble

I genuinely like my husband so much. I'm an introvert, so I need solo time to recharge, but I'm pretty much always down to hang with him. I think he's cute and funny and smart and fun.

And also, he is not a robot made to my specifications, so there's some things I don't prefer about him! In fact, a while back, I made a list of the things about him I struggle with most!

Today, I'm diving deeper into two particular differences we have that cause pretty substantial friction in our relationship: processing speed and chronotype (being a night owl vs. early bird). I willingly accept these differences, but they bring us trouble every single day! Although you likely deal with different dissimilarities in your own relationship, I think you'll find that my approach can generalize to many contexts!

I'll explore:

what these differences actually look like in our daily lives,
how we deal with them,
and the mental strategies I use to accept less preferred traits in my partner.

Let's do it!

These are general insights that might not apply to you—this is a newsletter, not therapy. If you're looking for personalized support, make sure to reach out to a licensed individual or couples therapist in your area ❤️

Our Most Challenging Differences

Let's just establish some facts. I am an ultra fast processor. I think fast and as a result tend to move fast. I also talk fast. Our couples therapist has pointed out that if I speak for one minute, I might say three times as many words than if Z speaks for one minute. In contrast, Z is a slow processor. He thinks deeply about things. He is slow to move (this is a quality that anyone who knows him is extremely aware of, it's somewhat legendary). The guy does not like to rush.

Next up, chronotype. I am not an extreme early bird by any means, but I'm at my best in the morning. I take a minute or two before feeling fully alert and then am ready to go. Z is a definite night owl. Night owls struggle in our society which is not set up for them. Because of both work and parenting, he simply has to get up earlier than his body would prefer. But that doesn't mean he's happy about it. He is so groggy in the morning.

If you told me when I was looking for a partner that I could have an awesome overall fit with someone, but he would be a slower processor than me and also a night owl, I would have said, "no problem." These are not incompatibilities that I would have ever thought of as deal breakers. And I'm glad I didn't, because I love him and our relationship so much.

But just because they're not deal breakers doesn't mean these differences don't show up and stir the pot. They do, literally every day.

Basically every day, we have a moment where I'm like, "BRO, MOVE" and he's like, "huh?". Basically every day, there is a moment where I watch him shuffling across the kitchen in a daze, putting away dishes with the demeanor of a sleepwalker, and I think "what gives him the right to be this tired?" (I know it doesn't work this way, but my brain thinks otherwise when I'm irritated).

Let's be clear. I'm responsible for not being a jerk. He's responsible for showing up for our family. I'm not excusing either of us should we fail to fulfill those expectations.

But outside of me saying hostile stuff and him dropping the ball, there's a lot of room for us to just feel FRUSTRATED with the reality that our minds and bodies are not totally in sync.

We're Not "Incompatible"

There are other differences I personally would not want to live with. As an introvert, I feel much better when partnered with someone who is also on the more introverted side (I'm not saying anyone else should feel this way, just that for me, having a very extroverted partner would be really overstimulating). There are some core values I want a partner to share. I also prefer to be partnered with someone who uses alcohol and drugs either very minimally or not at all.

But for me, being partnered with someone who moves slower than I do and prefers to stay up late and sleep in is just not a deal breaker. These are the exact type of differences that I'm more than willing to live with in exchange for the loving partnership we have built.

It's also worth noting that while these happen to be relatively stable traits, not all differences are. We can choose someone compatible and still end up facing a difference we'd hoped to avoid.

How We Cope

Differences like these are chronic conditions. They can be managed but not eradicated.

Ways we cope with our processing speed difference

I am aware of my urge to interrupt him. I try not to. When I do anyway, I circle back and apologize if appropriate.
He jumps in sooner than he's totally comfortable. Especially for important conversations, he's learned to just say something rather than searching for the elusive perfect words.
I acknowledge that my atypically fast processing simply can't be the norm in our relationship.
He stretches to move to action faster than his first instinct in situations where it matters.

Ways we cope with our chronotype difference

We develop systems instead of having to talk through everything every time. We have agreed-upon tasks we each do in the morning and clear division of drop off for the kids. This means he can operate in automatic mode which reduces the demand on his sleepy self.
He gives me latitude to be annoyed and playfully bratty when he's non-optimally functional in the morning.
I am allowed to lovingly tease him about how out of it he is in the mornings.
He gives me lots of appreciation for times when I pick up slack early in the day.

Differences Are A Chronic Condition

We are never going to "solve" these differences. We'll keep bumping into them forever. The more we radically accept that truth, the less agitated we are about them.

Whatever core differences exist in your relationship, the ones you are willing to live with even if you don't prefer them...sorry to tell you, but they're gonna be your pals for the life of your partnership.

Although we all know we can't change our partners (we know this, right?), there's still a fantasy that maybe they will just somehow change anyway. Now, behavior? That can change. But the deeper differences that keep driving annoying situations...those aren't going anywhere.

Learn to live with them, if you can. Learn to keep tweaking your approach and behavior as needed without expecting your differences to disappear.

I hope this offers a helpful framework for thinking about differences in your relationship, plus some concrete examples and normalization that yes, differences are inevitable and okay.

What differences give you the most trouble in your relationship?

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