Your Partner Doesn't Need To Be A Bad Person For You To Leave

How Labeling Them Takes You Away From Yourself

People really struggle to leave a relationship without an official stamped reason WHY. You can't just realize that you don't feel like your best self with a partner, you need an iron clad explanation. Or at least that's how it feels.

I write often about how couples need actual skills for lasting love, and share tools to build those skills. But I want to be so clear that while I support couples who want to stay together, I am also all the way on your side if you're ready to be done.

Unfortunately, many people lack the differentiation of self needed to identify when a relationship is just plain wrong for them. And so instead of tuning into yourself, connecting with your own desires and naming them affirmatively, you find reasons within your partner that explain why you can't be with them anymore.

Differentiation of self is a principle from Bowen's Family Systems Theory, and it's quite complex so I won't get too deep here. But in short, it's the capacity to know where you begin and end in relationship to others. To know what is yours and what is someone else's. And (this part's important) to clearly see your own actions and contributions within a relationship dynamic.

Today, I'm talking about how to start centering yourself in your decision to stay in or leave a relationship.

I am assuming you have the agency to leave in the first place. If you can't leave safely, that is a big red flag for abuse. If you aren't sure whether or not your relationship is safe, I have a free course that explores what abusive relationships look like in contrast to high conflict and supports you to assess safety in your own relationship.

Today, we'll explore:

the sneaky impact of labeling your partner,
why it's critical to keep returning to yourself,
how to tell if labeling them is healthy or unhealthy for you,
and my philosophy on when you "should" end a relationship.

Let's dive in.

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