How To Ask For Validation When Your Partner Thinks Validation Is BS

Real Validation Has Nothing To Do With A Script

I frequently get variations on the following question:

"I want my partner to validate me more, but they think the idea of validation is phony or unnecessary. They don't like being given 'scripts' for what to say and resist the idea that there is a 'right' way to respond to my emotions. But then I feel invalidated by how they respond. What should I do?"

I think this question says a lot about the state of communication advice. On one hand, we have partners longing for attunement and connection. They're reading communication advice that talks a lot about validation, and so they then turn to their partner and say: "can you please validate me more?" And when their partner asks what that would look like, they give examples like, "tell me how I'm feeling is valid" or "say that you accept my emotional reality." Because that's the type of validation script available.

On the other hand, we have partners who feel inundated with flat communication scripts that do not sound like any human actually speaks. When they hear "validate me more," they think they're being told to parrot back a very specific sequence of words. And when they don't say those specific words, they're told they're "doing it wrong." So they tap out of the whole validation thing altogether.

It's honestly a mess, and it's not your fault. You're set up to fail, because most communication advice (honestly, mine included more often than I wish) does not do a great job explaining that the script is not the point.

There is nothing magic about saying "your feelings are valid." In fact, in many cases that statement won't even feel validating.

In today's Love Note, I'm breaking down what validation is (and isn't) and how to ask for it in a way that doesn't make your partner want to tear out their hair.

Let's get to it, shall we?

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