How I Coped When My Partner Completely Shut Down During Conflict
As A Verbal Processor Who Craves Resolution, Not Space
When I'm overwhelmed during conflict, I start talking and I don't stop. I make a bunch of repetitive attempts to fix the situation that predictably just make it worse. My language gets sloppy; I exaggerate, and I gesticulate. I speed up. Rarely, this has gotten so intense that I totally spin out, losing all sense of narrative coherence and logic, becoming a jumble of words and emotion.
When my husband is overwhelmed during conflict, he talks less. On a good day, he's very precise and thoughtful about his words. He pauses a lot. But when he's submerged in intense emotion, his language slows to a stop. He goes silent. On rare occasions, this can be a pretty intense, full-body shutdown for him (like shakes, tunnel vision, racing heart but frozen body).
Marina Rosenthal
We have both put very significant effort into improving our side of the street here. It took me a lot of time (like, years) to really deeply understand that me repeatedly monologuing at my husband when he needed processing space was not only unhelpful, it felt invasive and disrespectful (those are my words, but I could visibly see the impact).
It took him a lot of time (like, years) to understand that when I start spiraling and circling, I'm not trying to be harsh or come at him. I am asking for connection and engagement. He has learned that even though I understand why he withdraws, it is painful to receive, and has found tools to get the space he needs without entering that total shut down that leaves me alone without warning.
I know this pattern is so achingly familiar to many, and it brings up intense emotions. There's often so much blame; I hear from partners daily who feel deeply hurt by either side of the dynamic.
Today, I'm exploring my experience as the partner of someone who tends to shut down during conflict, and who used to shut down to such a degree that he went totally silent. I'm not excusing the behavior; he needed to grow, and he did. But part of how we both grew (me too) is by showing a great deal of care and understanding for the unhelpful mechanisms we'd each developed over a lifetime.
So, in today's Love Note, I'll explore:
- what I tried that didn't work when my husband got totally silent during conflict,
- how I took care of myself, even when he was stuck in shut-down mode,
- how I supported him to move out of the shut-down (not because it's my job to "heal" him, but because I'm an invested partner),
- and the way this pattern shows up today, after we've done years of work to function better as a team.
This one is long and juicy, so let's get to it!