"I Feel Hurt, So That Means You Did Something Bad"

The Belief Quietly Messing Up Your Relationship

It might surprise you, but one of the most common and painful issues I see in high conflict relationships comes down to how we perceive our own thoughts and feelings.

I call this one the "I feel hurt so that means you did something bad" fallacy. It's super sneaky and pops up in almost all high conflict relationships, but you'll see it in lower conflict relationships too.

To sum it up, this belief tells you that if you feel hurt, your hurt feelings tell the truth about a situation. Your pain means that a wrongdoing occurred, no question. Without saying so explicitly, you are implying that YOU always have the correct read on a situation. Your partner needs to bend to your understanding of reality. Then, when they don't, you try to "make" them by repeatedly stating your case and accusing them.

This behavior sucks to receive (most of us have probably experienced it at times). It absolutely does not generate empathy.

But it's a bit complicated to spot in yourself, because of course sometimes your hurt feelings DO indicate that your partner's behavior was out-of-line. I find that when I talk about this fallacy, people get really confused about how to validate their own emotions, ask for repair when they feel hurt by their partner, and simultaneously stay away from assuming your emotional experience is the objective reality.

Today, I'm exploring this fallacy and how you can work with it for a more flexible, resilient relationship (both with yourself and your partner).

Subjectivity Is Everything

Sometimes I joke that my whole account is about subjectivity. I don't think it's that far from the truth! On a cultural level, we're obsessed with getting to an objective, final truth. Of course there are facts in any situation, including within your relationship, but there is also a huge amount of subjectivity—valid differences in perception.

The capacity to understand how two people can reasonably see the same situation differently is a vital relational skill. I think most people "get it" in theory but really struggle to apply this concept to themselves.

As a couples therapist, I specialize in subjectivity. As part of my intake process with a new couple, I'll meet individually with each partner. It's a very common occurrence that I'll finish one individual appointment positive I totally get the situation and relationship. Then I'll talk to the other person, and my perspective will shift. My job is to draw a picture of both the concrete facts and subjective experiences to help the couple start to function more effectively. And in order to do that, I need to be deeply connected to their subjectivity without making rulings on who is right or wrong.

You can practice spotting subjectivity by purposefully considering situations from your partner's perspective. You might find this is difficult! We often briefly skim the surface of our partner's reality and then quickly revert to seeing things our way. Try to sustain interest and attention for their subjective experience for longer stretches to grow this muscle.

Hurt Is An Imprecise Alarm

When I talk about the "I feel hurt so that means you did something bad" fallacy, I often see people get stuck on the idea that hurt feelings are a reliable predictor of harm. And this is where things get complicated, because of course your emotions do serve a function, and hurt is an alarm bell. But the truth is, it's a rudimentary, imprecise alarm. It will misfire, often. Especially for folks with a history of trauma, you may have an overactive alarm that says "fire" when there is none.

But let's drill further down. Even when your alarm is "right" that some sort of relational violation occurred, it lacks subtlety. You can feel really intense hurt about something that is at the end of the day, pretty minor (see me losing my mind over muffins that I re-made in literally 5-minutes flat).

For high conflict couples in particular, your alarm might be sounding accurately, but what should be a light chime is going off like a fog-horn.

Demanding They See Your Way Will Pretty Much Never Work

Regardless of the objective truth, regardless of whether your hurt is an accurate read on their harm...taking a righteous stance of "you hurt me, repair now" is highly likely to fail. People do not respond well to being told they fucked up and must immediately make it right. Including you! Even people who are generally non-defensive and open to seeing their own negative behaviors will probably struggle if their partner approaches them with this type of "I know what you did" energy.

I know it is not a satisfying answer, but in relationships that are safe and involve mutual investment (i.e., the kind of relationship I'm writing about here), the answer is almost always vulnerability. GAH, I know, so annoying.

What does vulnerability look like?

• Sharing feelings without harshly describing their actions
• Showing emotion, not just saying it
• Staying receptive to their experience, even when you feel wronged
• Being willing to receive their repair when it's offered

Vulnerability feels scary because, well, it is! It's not always received with vulnerability in return. Your partner could respond defensively or harshly. But choosing to show up armored up guarantees you that outcome.

No, You're Not Gaslighting Yourself

Sometimes I wish the broader public had never learned about gaslighting. Although it's such a helpful concept in the context of abuse, it is often an unhelpful concept in the context of safe, mutual relationships.

What I am describing in this essay is cognitive flexibility or the willingness to see situations and emotions from a variety of different stances. You're not tossing your perspective out the window. You're exploring multiple lenses. You are perfectly free to come back to your original stance if it feels most true based on your context and reality.

I've actually found that capacity to see subjectivity actually makes people more resilient to abuse tactics, not less. Cognitive flexibility is a marker of psychological health, and better mental health will just not keep you trapped in a bad situation. It helps you honestly evaluate a dynamic from all sides and come to a balanced, conclusion. You can set better boundaries and communicate more clearly when you operate from a flexible, nuanced perspective.

The alternative to "I feel hurt so that means you did something bad" is "I feel hurt. I need care." You might think, "well how is that fair? If they do something bad, I'll say so!" When the "something bad" is egregious and concrete, this certainly makes sense. If your partner calls you a terrible name, it's very reasonable to say "I feel hurt because you called me a terrible name."

But the reality is, the vast majority of relational harm is not egregious and concrete. You can hurt each other at the same time. You can feel hurt by words that were never said but you believed they meant. You can come up with lots of reasons why your hurt should be put first. In mutual, safe relationships, relational harm lives in the land of subjectivity. And when we're in that land, "I feel hurt, so that means you did something bad" is not the move you want. It won't get you the care you need.