Exactly What To Say To Deescalate Your Next Fight
Welcome to Love Notes For Real Life! This is my space away from the noise of social media to dive deep into all the tricky, nuanced relationship topics you're struggling and puzzling over. Yes, it's a paid newsletter, but I promise it's worth it (and it's less than a fancy latte). You get weekly+ explorations, advice, and insight from me—a psychologist, high conflict couples therapist, and author. I hope you join the party!
During conflict, it can feel like your words leave your mouth, morph in the air, and change meaning by the time they reach your partner. What you intended as a soft acknowledgment hits them as icy forfeit. When you try to share vulnerable emotions, all they hear is your negative beliefs about them.
I'm not a fan of rigid scripts that require both partners to say exactly the right thing or else, but the truth is, so many of us never learned how to communicate effectively and it can really help to be given some specific language.
So today, I'm walking you through some of the most effective things you can say when a fight is heating up fast. You won't find any complex multi-part instructions here—we're talking super simple but powerful words to reach for again and again for connected, productive conflict.
Importantly, for each suggestion, I'll also explain why it works. Because ultimately, the point isn't using my exact words. The point is knowing for yourself why some of your statements blow up and others bring your partner close.
If fights with your partner can spiral fast and hard, you're going to want to read (and save) this one! Let's dive in.