You Resent Their Pain Because You Don't Know How To Share Yours

When Defensiveness Is Envy In Disguise

People get defensive. We all do. And we get defensive for many reasons. Sometimes you might be defensive because you're being unfairly attacked and it's appropriate to set limits or step back. Other times you might be defensive because you feel shame, and it's easier to reflect the bad feeling back at your partner than to metabolize it. Or perhaps you're defensive because you struggle to take accountability and have a habit of pushing away others' feelings instead of owning up.

But there's another common reason behind defensive reactions that is rarely discussed.

Defensiveness can be a form of unacknowledged, unprocessed envy.

It's not their negative perception of you that riles you up, their belief that you did something bad. It's the fact that they have given themselves permission to share pain freely and ask for care. You don't allow yourself that leeway, that room for humanity. So when you see them verbalizing hurts directly, it feels unfair. And then comes your defensiveness, ready to protect you against that "injustice."

I know this one is a mind bender. And the reality is you probably won't instantly know if this pattern applies to you, because it is typically quite unconscious. So in today's Love Note, we're going to talk through the underlying process that might be at play here to help you understand whether this theme applies to you. And we're going to talk about how to face your envy (and more importantly, your pain) head on so it doesn't come out sideways as defensiveness.

This one is juicy and deep, so take a sip of your latte and dive in with me.