When (And How) To Defend Yourself Without Being Defensive

Standing Up Without Lashing Out

Defensiveness is a hot topic in the relationship advice internet world (where I reluctantly live part time). In recent years, it's become a bit of a buzz word and like any buzz word, has lost some of its meaning.

Everyone has been defensive at some point. If you think you haven't, I'm sorry but you're lying to yourself. It's normal and not problematic to respond defensively here and there, so long as it's not a perpetual and inflexible style of relating.

But some people trend really defensive. It's a default mode in response to almost any real or perceived accusation. The "perceived" part matters here because it's very possible to believe you are being accused of something and respond defensively when in fact, there are no accusations afoot. It's also possible to perceive an intense or harsh accusation within something pretty minor. For example, your partner says "wait, I thought you were handling dinner?" and you respond, "yeah well do you remember what kind of day I've had?!".

But here's a nuance I don't think gets talked about enough. There is a place for appropriate self-defense in your relationship. It's simply not true that you should never ever explain yourself or correct your partner when they're wrong about something. You can do these things without a defensive energy, but at the end of the day, the behavior will probably look defensive, and that's probably okay.

In today's post, I'm talking through how, when, and why you might choose to "defend yourself" in the context of your relationship.

I'll walk you through how to determine whether you actually need to defend yourself in a given situation, situations where it's quite valid to defend yourself, and (practically speaking) how you can defend yourself without radiating defensiveness.

Let's dive right on in.