Your Partner Says "It's Not My Job To Co-Regulate You"

You Want Care. They Think You Shouldn't Need It.

I got this question on Instagram the other day:

My wife gets stuck on words like validate, co regulate, reassure etc., saying things like that aren’t her job and I should be able to do them on my own or have those needs met by other supports in my life. She says she can’t/doesn’t want/shouldn’t have to.

I know it might be easy to jump to the conclusion that the wife in this scenario just doesn't want a real partnership or is emotionally unavailable, and of course those are possibilities, but it's not always that simple.

Very often, there's one (or both) of the following going on here. First, people get tangled up around what these words even mean. The term co-regulate can read as "take responsibility for my feelings." Or the word reassure can be heard as "tell me that you'll put my needs above your own no matter what." Validate might be interpreted as "I'm right, even if you disagree with me."

Terminology can be the enemy in this situation (and in this post I'll talk you through what to say INSTEAD if you keep getting caught up in the words).

But language aside, the second common issue is more substantive. Your partner perceives (true or not, fair or not) that you don't just want them to help you through your feelings, you require them to do so. And not just sometimes...all the time. Whether they're right about this is a different story, but what they perceive is: "I have to put your feelings first, and help you work them out, even when I have my own feelings and emotional reality."

This is a common struggle between partners...so let's talk about it.