An Orgasm Isn't Enough
Why You Don't Crave Sex Even Though You Always "Get There"
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Here's something I've heard from many, many partners.
"I like having sex with my partner. I do! When we do it, it's fun. And my partner always makes sure I have a good time. But I rarely actually want to have sex. I want to want it! But I don't."
If you relate, you're going to want to keep reading.
The most common explanation for what's going on here is something called desire style. So, quick refresher: some people want sex spontaneously. They look at their partner across the room and think, "You know what sounds good? Sex." This is called spontaneous desire. In contrast, other people develop desire in response to engaging in sexual activity and feeling pleasure. This is called responsive desire. Both are totally normal, and you might have both types at different times in your life or in your relationship.
Knowing about desire styles can feel validating and help couples with the initiation process. You might know that once you start kissing, you'll naturally want to do other things, so you start there and see where it goes. Or it might just be comforting to know that it's normal and not a problem if you only get turned on once you're already engaging in sexual activities.
But I don't think desire style fully explains why so many partners I talk to do not actively crave sex. It's part of the picture, but there's a missing layer.
What's missing, you might ask?
Well, many or most couples use the presence or absence of orgasms as a barometer for whether the sex was good. And if you're busy and tired and not nineteen years old anymore or perhaps there are some kids in the next room who might wake up at any moment, to be totally honest, an orgasm is probably not enough to entice you into the sexual space.
Because let's be brutally honest...in all likelihood, you can have an orgasm by yourself. Probably faster than with your partner present. So if the orgasm is the enticement for being there? Well, you can get that elsewhere.
So, what are we really missing when we equate good sex with orgasms? And what type of sex would truly call your name like a siren in the sea, seducing you back to the bedroom and into the pool of erotic connection?
I'm so glad you asked. I have some thoughts, friends, and they're juicy.
We're going to get into:
- what good sex ACTUALLY involves (because no, an orgasm is not enough),
- specific strategies to cultivate the kind of sex you'll actually crave,
- mindset shifts to move you away from goals and into pleasure,
- and where to start if you're like "wait, an orgasm would be nice, thank you very much."
Let's discuss, shall we?