"We Can Be Messy, But We Can't Be Mean"

An Agreement For Healthy Conflict From My Marriage

In writing about a recent conflict with my husband, I shared that we have an agreement that we are not mean to each other, even when we're upset. This one line sparked numerous reader questions...what is mean vs. honest? How do you know the difference?

As I reflected, I realized that while we've never said it out loud, the agreement in my marriage is more than just "don't be mean." It's more like: "we can be messy, but we can't be mean." And I'm not exaggerating when I say that I think this shared stance is one of the best things about our relationship.

Today, I'm breaking down:

• what mean looks like, and why it's completely off the table in my relationship (and I suggest yours too),
• what messy looks like, and why I think it matters that we have room to be messy with our partners,
• what to do when your partner crosses the line from messy to mean.

Let's get into it!