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Trauma Is Not An Excuse For Financially Controlling Your Partner

Trauma Is Not An Excuse For Financially Controlling Your Partner

When Money, Control, and Love Collide

Hi, hello, it's Dear Dr. Marina Day! Today's question is about money, control, power, and love. Juicy!

The reader asks:

Dear Dr. Marina...My partner has a extraordinarily high need for control: especially with finances and my whereabouts. He monitors ALL of my spending, often questioning me on routine expenses. He says it is for transparency but he will not reciprocate so I am in the dark about our finances. He has childhood trauma from not having his material needs met and going hungry, and a past relationship where his wife took control of the finances and spent too much on things like designer jewelry and handbags. How can I help to reassure him about my lifestyle and spending choices so he can let go a bit? This is ruining the relationship and I want things to work out.

Phew, there's a lot here to get into.

Although I talk to couples about money dynamics all the time, I'm a psychologist, not a finance girlie. But I have a recommendation if you're thinking through money in your relationship—the upcoming book Money Together: How To Find Fairness In Your Relationship and Become An Unstoppable Financial Team by Heather and Doug Boneparth. I have read an advanced copy, and found it to be a compassionate resource for couples looking to thrive financially without disempowering either partner. Full disclosure, I was interviewed as a relationship expert for this book and am quoted briefly! I received no compensation for that interview and don't stand to benefit from promoting their book, I just think it's a solid resource!

In today's post, I'll walk you through:

  • Why trauma is not an excuse for control,
  • the bare minimum requirements for moving forward in a healthy way when there has been financial control in a relationship,
  • example agreements to enhance financial safety for both partners,
  • how to stick to financial boundaries even when your partner's activated,
  • and more!

Let's go!

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