Talk Unhinged To Me

Revealing Our Messed- Up Thoughts About Each Other Brought My Husband and Me Closer

A while back, my husband Z and I had a doozy of a fight. We went round and round for more than an hour, which is unusual for us (ahem, we might have a wee bit of history with conflict avoidance). We got to a place of mutual understanding and were snuggling together on the couch, reviewing the conflict. As we talked, I owned up to something.

“I was having some wild thoughts about you! You became my enemy for a moment there.”

Z smirked. “I bet I know what you were thinking.”

“Wait, what were you thinking about me?” I asked, laughing.

We glanced at each other, almost with the energy of a dare. I’m not sure who prompted it, but rather than each revealing our own thoughts, we decided to guess what the other person thought.

Z started. And what came out of his mouth was both so unhinged and so true that I just about fell off the couch.

“Well, first off, you were thinking, ‘When is this idiot going to speak?’”

I began to giggle. He wasn’t exactly wrong. Part of our conflict pattern (at its worst) is Z sitting in silence while I ramble, question, and try to motivate him into sharing what the heck is on his mind.

He continued, “Also, like, ‘Is there anything going on in there? Hellooooo. Earth to Z!’”

At this point, I was laughing uncontrollably. This wasn’t the only thought I had, but yes, at some point, when he’s silent and frozen, my brain can start to tell me that the absence of communication means he is daydreaming—or worse, that he cares so little about the conversation that he’s completely checked out.

He had more. “‘Excuse me, where is my husband, the one who knows how to speak?’”

Bent over laughing, I begged him to stop. Once I recovered my composure, he looked at me expectantly. “OK, so what was I thinking about you?”

It wasn’t hard to guess.

“‘Will she ever stop talking?’” His laughter began then. “‘OMG, she said that part already. Does she think I’m stupid? Why is she repeating herself so many times?’”

I’m well aware that I tend to talk a lot during conflict (and, let’s be honest, in general), so it wasn’t hard to guess that his thoughts might have wandered in that direction. I let myself cut a little closer to the bone. “‘Everything has to be her way. She’s a control freak. Fine, if she doesn’t like how I do anything, I’ll just do nothing.’”

We both finished out our laughter, but it had a vulnerable, intimate undertone. Somehow, it was simultaneously hilarious and touching to consider the nasty, unbalanced thoughts we might have about each other.

Later, I thought about why. Why did it feel weirdly affirming to hear Z’s guesses about my messy thoughts and share mine about his? I have a few ideas.

1. His guesses were right, and I felt known as a result. As bizarre as it was to hear my husband accurately guess my enraged thoughts, he wasn’t wrong. He captured some of my big pain points quite accurately. And when he got it right, I didn’t have to explain to him how frustrating and confusing it is for me when he goes silent. He showed me that he completely understands that it is difficult and hurtful behavior for me to receive.
2. I felt safe to name my own flaws and unhelpful behaviors. Yes, I talk a lot. Yes, I can be controlling when I’m anxious. I don’t have to hide these tendencies from him. He already knows about them. Sometimes they really annoy him (like in the midst of this fight). And also, he still loves me. Just like my nasty thoughts about him, his harsh thoughts about me are fleeting and not representative of the nuanced, meaningful connection between us.

Although a variation of this “game” is actually a couples therapy technique, I wouldn’t necessarily recommend trying it at home unsupervised unless you feel very confident your relationship has room for this type of irreverent, playful honesty.

But here’s some approaches you can try:

• Acknowledge your own thoughts, but know that they are just thoughts. It’s normal to think some unhinged stuff during conflict. Don’t freak out if some of your conflict thoughts are a bit messed-up. Instead, rely more on what you think about your partner consistently day-to-day rather than the worst stuff that pops into your mind when you’re mad or hurt.
• Recognize that your partner also probably thinks some wild stuff about you—and their thoughts are also still just thoughts. Know that someone who loves and values you can also find you annoying or difficult sometimes.
• At some point, process your conflicts. Very often, couples finish a fight and either make up passionately or just move on. It’s so crucial to come to some kind of shared understanding of what the heck happened. Whether you use humor like we did or a more serious strategy, make sure you actually circle back and develop a shared narrative of your conflict loop.

Would you feel comfortable sharing your messy conflict thoughts with your partner? Would you want to hear theirs about you?