How I'm Learning To Stop Being A Martyr

Unlearning The Performance of Being "Perfect"

One of my least helpful tendencies is that I struggle so hard not to make a martyr out of myself. Regrettably, many of my coping skills that I developed throughout my early adulthood were basically martyrdom in disguise.

For example, I used to have a really toxic personal motto: “if you can, then you should.” Basically, anything I could pull off that wouldn’t literally break me I was obligated to do. Cute!

And, because I’m fun, I paired that with a second motto: “make it look easy.”

I’m not kidding, these were my “affirmations.” When I was struggling, I would repeat these words. At the time, I felt like I was being a great coach to myself. And in many ways, taking the stance of "I do everything until I can't anymore, and I don't let anyone see the toll, and if they do see me struggling, I show them quickly that I don't really need help"...well, it worked.

If you effortlessly achieve and serve, you will get a lot of success and appreciation. It's hard to stop pressing a button that gets you good results. But I started having a nagging feeling that something was missing, and perhaps that something was me. Perhaps in focusing so much on what I could do, I was losing track of who I was. And if I was struggling to hold onto myself, it followed that the people I cared most about were probably also not getting the most authentic, alive me to relate to.

Today, I'm sharing some of the process I'm in to undo my own martyrdom. It's messy, and I'm in the middle. Thanks for being along for the ride.