Is Saying "I Love You" A Bare Minimum?

When Your Partner Won't Say The Words You Crave

Hi friends! It's Dear Dr. Marina Day, and I truly love this question. Our writer asks:

Dear Dr. Marina...I have been with my partner for 1.5 years. He still hasn’t told me he loves me and when the topic came up, he said that he feels like love is better shown, and he feels like he treats me in a way that I should feel that but still stops short of ever saying it. He said when he feels ready to say it he will. This has left me feeling empty inside ever since. I feel like I’m climbing a hill I’ll never reach the top of and looking for something that isn’t there. It has now been 6 more months since the initial discussion and when it came up in conversation again, it was by me. I referenced some recent conflicts that we’ve had which while may seem minor to some, to me show that he wasn’t fully considering my feelings to the same degree that I consider his. I told him that when those things happened, they did not feel like they were coming from a place of love or consideration, and that because he had positioned to me that I should be looking for validation of our relationship through his actions, whenever his actions don’t reflect it I feel disconnected from him and it makes me feel sad and anxious because I don’t have the assurance of his words. He’s present with me, consistent with his time and communication, is giving, caring, and he does treat me in a loving manner. We do talk about the future often with him bringing it up...But, I feel like this has now created an invisible stressor between us because I can’t help but think he’s holding back these words and neither will talk about why it may be difficult for him to say them. I’m finding myself questioning whether I even want to stay in the relationship because this to me is very important and after me telling him twice and him doing nothing about it it tells me that my feelings don’t matter to him and my needs are not important to him and I’m not certain that that will ever change or if I’m wasting my time pretending our relationship something that it really isn’t....Help framing or processing this would be appreciated.

Phew, there's a lot here to get into. My heart goes out to the writer. Longing for affirmations of love is painful!

In today's post, I'll break down:

• why not hearing "I love you" can be such a mindfuck,
• common reasons why people won't say "I love you,"
• how to assess whether the absence of those words is a deal breaker for you,
• and ways to cultivate love without putting pressure on declarations.

Let's go!