The Repair Your Partner Craves Feels Wrong To Provide
When You Speak Different Languages Of Repair
Welcome to Love Notes For Real Life! This is my space away from the noise of social media where I dive deep into all the tricky, nuanced relationship topics you're struggling and puzzling over. No algorithm, no flashing videos or trending audio, no AI (seriously, full stop).
Yes, it's a paid newsletter, but I promise it's worth it! You'll get weekly+ explorations, advice, and insight from me—a psychologist, high conflict couples therapist, and author. If you're on the fence, don't worry—there's a free trial! I hope you join the party!
Today we've got an installment of Dear Dr. Marina, my advice column-style series where you ask longer form questions, and I answer them. The reader question I'm digging into in this note gets straight to the intricacies of repair and why it often goes so haywire in your relationship.
A reader wrote in:
I often apologize by saying "Sorry you are right, I was doing x, y, z. Here's what was happening underneath that in me and with that understanding here is what I plan to do different next time." My husband sees almost no value in that, and hears my explanations as justifications. What he wants to hear is: "I am sorry. I was wrong. I shouldn't have done/said xyz" and leave it at that. In some ways I don't see the difference between my "you were right" repair and his need for "I was wrong." But there must be some difference because the simple "I was wrong" he needs feel so unsatisfactory and almost top down authoritarian to me. On a visceral level saying "you were right" is so much more reachable for me than saying "I was wrong." And unsurprisingly he usually repairs with me the way he wants from me and it doesn't feel like enough without him being able to articulate the why and what he will do different next time.
This question highlights how repair can become a charged topic that takes on a life of its own in a relationship. Their question isn't about whether or when repair should happen...it's about how. And I think so many of you can relate. Because you know repair is a thing. You want to repair with your partner when you hurt them. But then the process goes so wrong, turns into a power struggle, and gets you nowhere near the resolution you were looking for.
The reader has three big questions they're asking, each of which I'll get into:
- How can we think about the "You were right" vs. "I was wrong" debate? Does the exact language matter?
- What about "why" you did it? Is sharing your background and context a way of justifying your actions?
- And what about committing to change? Is that an integral or unnecessary part of the repair process?
I'll be addressing each of these and also exploring the bigger picture snag that so many couples bump into when it comes to repair. And as always, while I'm using the specific question as a jumping off point, I think many of you will relate to the themes and get some tangible action steps by the end of this Love Note!
So take a seat and read on.