Where Is The Line Between Sucky Relationship Behavior... And Abuse?

And What To Do When You're Both Saying "You’re The Abusive One”

Let's get right into it. Today we're doing a Dear Dr. Marina, where I answer longer form reader questions. This one is complex, so settle in.

Dear Dr. Marina...Most of your posts have a caveat stating something like “not applicable to situations with abuse”—but can you clarify on how to better identify and differentiate what counts as “abuse” vs certainly not healthy but more commonplace negative behaviors? There seems to be so many behaviors that qualify as “abuse” when held up to the broad definition and range of abusive behaviors but labeling them as abusive immediately makes one person the victim and the other the abuser which simply isn't accurate or tells the whole story.

And related, what would you advise when one partner and their therapist have labeled your behavior as abusive (and again, by broad strokes it would qualify—yelling, name calling, etc) but who refuse to acknowledge that any of their behavior would also qualify as abuse when held under a microscope? (Emotional neglect/dismissiveness, ridicule/mocking, etc).

It seems like “abuse” has become the new “toxic” and it’s now applied to everything which doesn’t seem helpful or productive when trying to address negative dynamics

I get a variation of this question very often, maybe even daily. It's so pervasive that I actually made a whole (free!) course to address it. If you're in the same boat as this reader, wondering about where exactly the line is and what all this abuse talk even means, please go check out Red Flags and Red Lines: Understanding High Conflict vs. Abuse. You'll get video modules where I walk you through the difference between aggressive, negative, unacceptable behavior that happens in the context of a mutual non-abusive dynamic and coercive, controlling, autonomy-limiting behavior that creates a context of abuse.

I'm not going to reiterate everything in the course here, because...well, I made a whole course about it! Did I mention that it's free?

But I do have some extra stuff to say about this reader's question.

So, let's dive in.

First, let's get on the same page about the terminology.

What Is Abuse?

When people use the word "abuse" they usually mean one of two things.

1. Harmful behavior like yelling at your partner, calling them a name, giving them the silent treatment, threatening to break up, etc. These behaviors are not necessarily part of an ongoing dynamic where one person is systematically disempowered, but they are hurtful or even scary.
2. An ongoing dynamic of coercion and control that leaves one person with less autonomy than the other. This dynamic is often maintained by the same type of harmful relationship behavior as described above, but the difference is that the behaviors aren't isolated. They are part of a broader structure where one partner is repeatedly and systematically harmed and disempowered.

You might wonder, why does the difference matter? Either way, the behavior isn't okay, so why bother parsing out exactly "how bad is it?" And I get the intent of this question, but ultimately relationships with coercive control are very different than those without it, and treating them the same is not sensible.

When I use the term abuse, what I am talking about is relationships with a notable degree of coercive control.

Although here I'm talking about different levels of coercive control as though it is binary, in reality there is likely more of a spectrum at play. Some relationships have essentially zero coercive control, while others have a great deal. If one person can't speak or act freely, there is likely significant coercive control.

What Is Aggression?

In the world of couples therapy and research, it is well documented that many couples act aggressively sometimes. Aggression includes behaviors like:

• Name calling
• Shouting
• Swearing
• Storming off
• Slamming doors
• Prolonged silence or freezing out your partner
• Break up threats

Aggression can also include more intense physicality like pushing past someone, throwing an object, grappling over an object, or blocking a doorway. None of these behaviors are ever safe or acceptable.

Very often, aggression creates an escalator effect, where each person responds to the other doing slightly more intense things until the interaction is totally spun out. Think: they raise their voice, you shout back, they storm off, you follow them, they slam a door, you pound on it.

What Is High Conflict?

High conflict is lay-person language (not academic or research terminology) used to describe relationships that do not include coercive control dynamics but do include aggressive behavior.

In the research world, these couples are called situationally aggressive. This means:

1. partners are only aggressive in situations of extreme emotion dysregulation,
2. and the aggression reflects out-of-control emotions, not an attempt to control or disempower the other person.

Situational aggression often involves both partners (both people act aggressive) but it can also be one-sided.

Not High Conflict

Although high conflict couples do and say messed up stuff during conflict, a high conflict dynamic never includes:

• Sexual aggression of ANY kind
• Serious physical injuries
• Threats on your life or livelihood
• Actual or threatened use of weapons
• Being told that you “make your partner” hurt you

Any of these behaviors are an SOS sign that this relationship is deeply unsafe. Start with the National Domestic Violence Hotline to get help.

"No, You're The Abusive One"

Now that we've got some shared language, let's get into the reader question.

Today's question gets at a few different issues that I'm going to summarize and break down one-by-one.

#1 Your partner says you have acted abusively. You agree some of your behavior is unpleasant or even unacceptable, but you do not agree that it is abusive.

As we've just discussed, “abuse” is used in different ways. Perhaps what your partner means is in line with the definition of aggression above. They are telling you “some of your behavior really upsets or even frightens me.” Being told you are abusive feels like a really big, serious accusation, so it's understandable that you're focusing on whether or not the word is fair.

But, I want you to consider—if what they are saying is, “I find it really distressing and scary when you shout during conflict,” does it actually matter whether or not this is technically “abuse?”

Rather than debating the technicalities, try to truly hear their concerns. Even if you have concerns of your own, take the time to fully understand what they wish you would do differently. Where you can take accountability, do so. Where you can offer behavior change, make it. Do this without a looming "yeah well, you do messed up stuff too" either spoken or unspoken.

#2 When your partner tells you that you have been abusive, you feel compelled to bring up a counter accusation: some of their behavior could also be technically labeled as abusive.

If you haven't already, go back to step one which is to fully hear and address their concerns. Even if you have complaints too, theirs deserve attention. Saying “I’ll hear you out once you hear me out” is a very unworkable stance, so just don't.

If you are genuinely concerned about your partner's behavior, bring up your concerns in a different moment, not just as a point against them in this particular conversation. This might sound like:

“I am really working on how I show up during conflict. I hear you when you say that my yelling and following you around is scary and hurtful. I’m committed to fully stopping those behaviors. And, I also have some things on my mind that are hurtful to me that I’d like to see improvement around. I want to talk about those too. Regardless, I will work on my side of things."

It's critical that this gets brought up at a time other than when your partner tells you how you are negatively impacting them. If you use it as ammo back at them, they will not hear you.

Rather than focusing on how they're not perfect, emphasize your own emotions. And if you can, clearly describe exactly what you want rather than only describing what you don't want.

“I want to hear more of your thoughts and feelings outside of conflict. When I bring up how I’m feeling, I want to know that you are open to listening fully and will treat me kindly, even if my feelings don't make sense to you.”

#3 Your partner will not acknowledge their own harmful behavior.

If you follow the approach outlined above, you might find that you get more acknowledgement from them around the ways they behave unhelpfully. Getting out of the mode of attacking back is a crucial first step.

If you take accountability for your own actions and stop doing the behavior that feels aggressive to them, and your partner is still unwilling to talk about ways that they also impact you, you're left with some choices. You can:

• live with their behavior,
• set and maintain clearer boundaries,
• or end the relationship.

In terms of boundaries, you can get clear with yourself on exactly how you will (respectfully) respond in situations when you feel mocked or dismissed, for example.

Debating Who Is More Abusive Is Pointless

Quite commonly, I see partners stuck in a stalemate where they each accuse each other of being abusive and deny that their own actions are abusive.

This dynamic is incredibly unhelpful. It does not result in a safer relationship. It doesn't repair past harm. All it does is further polarize you and your partner.

You might not know how to express your pain any different way. It might feel like your partner's bad behavior needs to be "abuse," because then it's serious. Then they'll have to change. If this is your situation, it could be worth your time to drop the abuse language and focus instead on concretely asking for the type of changes you need (while also willingly addressing your partner's concerns).

But if you truly, mutually believe that the other person is abusive, you're in an unworkable situation. Either one of you is right, in which case the relationship is fundamentally unsafe, or you're both wrong, but unwilling to see the dynamic differently. None of these options is promising in terms of recovering relational health.

Thank you for sticking with me for this doozy of a post. It is a heavy, complex topic, and not one that can or should be discussed in sound bites. I am grateful for your presence here on Love Notes for Real Life, where I have the space to do justice to the nuanced topics that I know are on your minds.