I’m a Couples Therapist, and My Husband and I Fight More Now than Ever Before

Why More Conflict Is a Really Good Thing for Us

I’ve been with my husband for almost 11 years. And although we’ve had a happy, healthy relationship throughout—and I am a literal couples therapist—we have really only learned how to fight in the past year. Shocking, right?

Here’s the back story. Z is naturally super-chill and regulated. He was a professional athlete and subsequently a professional poker player before landing in a more conventional career. Keeping his cool has been essential to his work, and he’s really good at it. His poker face is unrivaled.

I have no poker face. I am a hot head. I get mad fast, then cool off fast too.

From the jump, I was drawn to Z’s calm, stable energy. I loved that he never (seriously, never) says nasty stuff just to get back at me or make a point. In fact, he basically never says anything mean, full stop. I have always felt incredibly safe in this relationship. It’s a beautiful gift I appreciate daily.

As I deepened my specialty in couples therapy, I had a daily front-row view of all the ways partners can hurt each other, all the unique and searing ways to fracture love. I was determined to protect us. We would not grind each other down into strangers.

My desire for an aspirational relationship and Z’s innate chillness joined forces. We built a very calm relationship.

I once described to a friend that being with Z felt like sinking into a warm bath. So comfy-cozy.

Sounds good, right? Well, it was, mostly. But there was also a hidden downside to our mutual pursuit of the chillest relationship ever. Keep reading to hear how it backfired and what we did to course correct.