"I Feel Hurt, So That Means You Did Something Bad"

The Belief Quietly Messing Up Your Relationship

It might surprise you, but one of the most common and painful issues I see in high conflict relationships comes down to how we perceive our own thoughts and feelings.

I call this one the "I feel hurt so that means you did something bad" fallacy. It's super sneaky and pops up in almost all high conflict relationships, but you'll see it in lower conflict relationships too.

To sum it up, this belief tells you that if you feel hurt, your hurt feelings tell the truth about a situation. Your pain means that a wrongdoing occurred, no question. Without saying so explicitly, you are implying that YOU always have the correct read on a situation. Your partner needs to bend to your understanding of reality. Then, when they don't, you try to "make" them by repeatedly stating your case and accusing them.

This behavior sucks to receive (most of us have probably experienced it at times). It absolutely does not generate empathy.

But it's a bit complicated to spot in yourself, because of course sometimes your hurt feelings DO indicate that your partner's behavior was out-of-line. I find that when I talk about this fallacy, people get really confused about how to validate their own emotions, ask for repair when they feel hurt by their partner, and simultaneously stay away from assuming your emotional experience is the objective reality.

Today, I'm exploring this fallacy and how you can work with it for a more flexible, resilient relationship (both with yourself and your partner).