When Your Partner Is A Hypocrite
They Blame You For Stuff They Do Too
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You want to hear your partner's concerns, you really do. But how is it fair when their concerns are the exact same things you have brought to them in past...and they didn't seem to care when they were the one doing the behavior?
A reader recently wrote in with a variation of this question, and I knew I had to cover it ASAP. They asked:
What is a better response when your spouse brings something to you that’s hard to hear because it’s something you have brought to them many times but they have dismissed? For example, you’ve tried telling your spouse in many different conversations that you’re hurt by their not following through on something they said they’d do. When you bring it up, they tend to minimize or dismiss the issue and you don’t feel heard by them. Then, one day when you’ve forgotten to do something or took much longer to do it than they expected, they bring it up to you. I know saying some variation of “well that’s rich coming from you. You refuse to have this conversation when you’ve broken your word, so why should I listen to you now?” is just super unhelpful to having a loving relationship. But it’s such an easy trap to fall into. How do you avoid this? How can you hear their pain without feeling like you’re abandoning yourself in the process? How can you make this a fair conversation that brings you closer together instead of devolving into a blaming session?
I love this question because the reader is already aware of what likely won't work ("Ummm you should talk, you do that all the time!").
But, I don't think the answer is just to pretend you don't see the injustice (particularly if this isn't a one-off). You will gradually accumulate a ton of resentment if you paste a concerned expression on your face and say, "you're so right, that was inconsiderate" without ever acknowledging the reality that they did the same dang thing last week and were literally unbothered.
This question is a bit tricky, because depending on the relationship and situation, either person could be off-base. So rather than take one stance, I'm going to offer you a few different angles you can use to assess what's actually up when this dynamic emerges in your relationship. Plus, we'll walk through some specific strategies you can try to help resolve the dissonance of "but YOU do that too!"
This one is a bit of a choose-your-own-adventure post...so let's dive on in!