How To Stop Carrying The Emotional Labor Of Conflict Resolution

Ways To Redistribute the Hard Work of Making Up

It's Tuesday, and you know what that means! It's Dear Dr. Marina Day! Today's question is all about the emotional labor of repairing conflict.

The reader asks:

Dear Dr. Marina...In my marriage, I often feel like I’m carrying most of the emotional labor—reflecting on arguments, finding solutions, and initiating repair. My husband has an avoidant attachment style and struggles to voice his needs or name his feelings, often withdrawing during conflicts. I try to share feedback or talk about my needs in ways that feel supportive and constructive to me, but he often perceives this as criticism or failure on his part. He gets defensive, feeling like I don’t see or acknowledge the work he is doing, and it creates a disconnect between my intentions and his interpretation. This dynamic makes it harder for me to share openly without triggering conflict, and it leaves me feeling unseen and unheard. At the same time, I know he feels unappreciated and like I don’t recognize his efforts. This pattern is exhausting for both of us and makes it hard to move forward. How can I navigate this dynamic in a way that honors my need to express myself while also helping him feel validated in the progress he’s making? I’d love tools for balancing emotional labor, giving feedback constructively, and fostering mutual understanding and growth.

I'm excited to dig into this nuanced, thoughtfully articulated question. The writer has clearly put effort into fairly representing their partner's side of things, and this dynamic sounds like it sucks!

In today's post, I'll walk you through:

• why attempting relationship talk when your partner's not invested falls flat,
• why emotional labor is not all created equal,
• how you can collaborate to make relationship talk feel good,
• and my number one recommendation for how to stop carrying so much emotional labor related to conflict.