How To Communicate When Your Sexual Desires Change

Dialogue For Better Intimacy

Recently, I realized there were a few things my husband and I were up to in the bedroom that were no longer working optimally for me. Nothing was painful or unpleasant, but my preferences had changed a bit with age, time, and context.

Now listen. I am a sex therapist, I taught human sexuality for years, and I'm just generally comfortable talking about sex (always have been—anyone I went to high school with would tell you I was borderline obsessed with grilling people about their sex lives).

Suffice to say, I'm confident talking about sex with my partner. But nonetheless, I noticed that I felt a twinge of awkwardness around how to bring this up, particularly because it wasn't just "not into that right now, let's do something else" but actually "nah, I don't like that anymore."

After more indirect communication in the moment on a couple of occasions, I decided that this needed to be an actual conversation, not a subtle redirection. Spoiler: we had that actual conversation, it went great, and our intimate life is working way better for me now! I love solvable problems.

After sorting through this process, I reflected on the different ways long-term partners may need to communicate with each other as their bodies, desires, and capacities change.

I'll talk through how to offer:

• in the moment feedback that doesn't kill the mood,
• outside the moment feedback that conveys more complex or tricky information,
• specific examples of how exactly to share feedback without criticism or complaint,
• a pep talk if sexual communication is a real struggle for you,
• and what to do if your partner "can't handle" any feedback about sex.

It's a fun one, folks, so buckle up!