Ending the Criticism and Defensiveness Loop in Your Relationship

Stop The Cycle Of Harsh Feedback And Over-Explaining

Let’s get right into it! Today I’m answering a reader’s question about a repetitive dynamic in their relationship around how frustrations are expressed and received.

The reader asks:

Dear Dr. Marina...My partner and I have a conflict pattern in which: he expresses a frustration with something I'm doing, I feel blamed and don't feel his frustration is valid and I deflect from his frustration by saying things like "but you do the same thing!" He ends up getting more and more frustrated, and then I find his anger and tone to be scary for my nervous system (even though he is not name calling). I ask him to soften his tone and speak to me in a way I can hear him, and he feels like I am "tone policing" and not letting him feel or express his feelings, like I am controlling him and unwilling to hear him. I am working on my side of the street to make space to validate his original complaint, even when I disagree with it, but it leads to a feeling of powerlessness in me and like he is always right and I'm always wrong. He is also putting in effort to work on his tone. What advice do you have to navigate this situation so that we both don't go into the space of feeling unheard and powerless with each other?

I'm willing to bet this dynamic sounds familiar to a few of you reading. The writer portrays this scene quite neutrally, without over-emphasizing either partner's role, and this is truly the first step: see what's happening objectively, without casting yourself or your partner into the role of innocent bystander or bad guy.

To sum up, this couple has a dynamic that goes something like this:

Partner A: Expresses frustration about something Partner B did.

Partner B: Feels blamed and says things to deflect the blame.

Partner A: Gets angry and shows it, with an increasingly intense tone.

Partner B: Asks for Partner A to reduce their intensity.

Partner A: Says that Partner B is "tone policing" and does not bring down their intensity.

The writer doesn't share how the cycle tends to end, but it doesn't sound fun!

I am very familiar with this loop—it's one of the most common struggles I see couples grapple with. So I do have some specific, tactical ideas for how you can improve on both sides.

Let's get into it!