Managing A Pursue-Withdraw Dynamic In Your Relationship

When You And Your Partner Seek Different Forms Of Intimacy

Let’s get right into it! Today I’m answering a reader’s question. As you’ll see, I had a lot to say on this topic, so buckle up.

Today’s question is:

Dear Dr. Marina...How can you make a relationship work with an avoidant partner when you are an anxious partner? My partner is loving in his own ways but then there are times where I don’t feel like it’s enough and keep needing so much attention and validation, which I am aware are not his responsibility. So I guess my question is how can we make this relationship work?

In my work with high conflict couples, I purposefully limit the use of psychological jargon of all kinds, and very particularly attachment language, because it often reinforces an unhelpful conflict dynamic, creates a climate of "diagnosis” and blame, and doesn’t necessarily even help change the attachment patterns at play.

But, just because I rarely use attachment-speak doesn’t mean I’m not (often) thinking about attachment.

A Few Things To Know About Attachment

Before I break down the question, there are a couple attachment basics we need to clarify.

Adult attachment patterns are not always apparent or even possible to self-assess. People can appear anxious in one relationship and appear avoidant in another. Attachment is not as simple as social media might lead you to believe.

But setting aside whether you personally can accurately assess your own or your partners’ true attachment style, the “anxious-avoidant dynamic” is a real thing (also sometimes called a demand-withdraw or pursuer-distancer pattern).

If this is the vibe in your relationship, one partner likely has a stronger desire for  reassurance and affirmation while the other needs less or finds these needs frightening, over-stimulating, or even repulsive.

These patterns are reciprocally reinforced, such that the more one partner withdraws, the more need there is to pursue (and vice-versa: the more one partner pursue, the more withdrawal is needed). This is why the same people can appear quite different in different relationships.

Notice that I’m not saying that one partner wants more “connection” than the other. In their own way, both people are seeking a form of stable connection (more on this in a moment).

You’ll find a lot of resources focused on extremes (for example, avoidant partners who are unwilling to meet even the most basic relationship needs or anxious partners who cannot function without instant validation). While such partners do exist, they are not the norm. It’s probably not that your partner never meets any of your emotional needs or that they always demand more from you. Real life is more nuanced.

For the purpose of today’s post, I’m going to use the language “pursue-withdraw” because I find it is most concrete and descriptive and does not assume we actually know either partner’s attachment pattern.

I know that was a lot of backstory! Next up, I’ll walk you through how I think about this particular dynamic and some practical ways to work with it.

It’s Not About Love

For most couples stuck in a pursue-withdraw pattern, the issue is not care or love. It’s not neediness vs. coldness. It is how care and love are shown.

Partners who are perceived as withdrawing often:

• Desire long stretches of positive interactions, without complaints or “negative” topics
• Feel close through doing shared enjoyable activities together
• Will seek more proximity when they feel confident that it will be a pleasing, warm interaction
• Value stability over emotional depth (and will avoid emotionally charged topics to preserve the peace) 
• Experience emotional intimacy through pleasant daily interactions and shared recreation, not only through talking about emotions

On the flip side, partners who are perceived as pursuing often:

• Feel close through explicit dialogue about emotions
• Desire verbal affirmation in addition to tangible demonstrations of love (think saying “I love you” vs. the implicit love in living life together)
• Will seek more proximity when they do not feel close, even if the interaction might be difficult
• Feel more stable when there is sufficient emotional depth in the relationship (and will seek emotional depth and connection to stabilize)
• Feel most emotionally intimate through talking about emotions and relationship dynamics

While neither of these are necessarily problematic approaches to life, both taken to the extreme can cause harm. What happens in a “pursue-withdraw dynamic” is that both partners repeatedly attempt to assert their own way of managing the relationship,  disappointing each other when this style is not reciprocated.

If you’re the partner in the “withdraw” role in your relationship, you might think and say things like:

“Can’t we just enjoy life? Why does everything always have to be such a big conversation? Why isn’t anything I do enough?”

If you are the partner who is in the “pursue” role, you might find yourself saying and thinking things like:

“I don’t want to just be friends or roommates, I want actual emotional intimacy! Our relationship won’t ever improve if we don’t talk about difficult topics.”

Unfortunately, the “withdraw“ partner feels that what their “pursue” partner considers emotional intimacy is actually just criticism and conflict. They do not feel closer after, so it doesn’t actually feel intimate. Just existing peacefully, having fun, and enjoying each other would actually feel so much more connecting...so why isn’t that enough? They withdraw to preserve intimacy, not to destroy it.

And the “pursue” partner feels that just living life would require them to ignore important emotions, essentially silencing themselves and their needs. This does not result in feelings of closeness and connection. They do not feel closer through this either, so they pursue to generate intimacy, not to break it down.

As you can probably see, this is a recipe for a round-and-round cycle of pushing and pulling that will not feel great to either partner.

So, You’re Incompatible? Not So Fast!

Okay, so this is your relationship. What can you do about it?

1. No jargon. Seriously, NO JARGON! Unless both partners are really interested in assigning labels to your attachment styles, walk away from the listicles. Can it be helpful to notice your own tendencies and how they may relate to your childhood? Definitely! But analysis of your partner’s tendencies is rarely welcome and very often just irritates one or both partners.
2. Make the issue smaller. Telling your partner that “our anxious-avoidant dynamic is out of control” is vague and overwhelming. Try to get really clear on exactly what you need from your partner. If you’re the  “pursue” partner, that means asking for specific things rather than general things. Like: “hey, can you touch base with me once or twice when we’re socializing separately at a party?” rather than “I need you to act like you’re my partner if we’re at a party together.” Or if you’re the “withdraw” partner: “I won’t be available to respond to texts when I’m at dinner tonight with my parents” instead of “can you just chill and not freak out if you don’t hear from me.”
3. Positive communication is your friend. Focus on speaking affirmatively about what you want or can do, not describing negatively what you don’t want your partner to do or what they have done in the past. So “I would love it if we could go on a date this weekend, which night is better?” not “we never go on dates anymore, and all you do every weekend is hang out with your friends.” Or, (withdraw partner example): “I’m hoping tonight we can play a game and keep the conversation light rather than talking about some of our heavy topics.”
4. Your differences are not the enemy. It’s easy to forget that you probably chose your partner for a reason. It is not necessarily a problem if one partner wants more verbal affirmation than the other. This doesn’t have to be a deal breaker. You can learn to meet each other in the middle. So often, problems arise (and calcify) when each partner starts making the other one out to be pathological or problematic. You might remind yourself of the positives of having an emotionally aware partner or an independent partner. Envision what your relationship would look like if these traits and preferences were respected and handled effectively rather than pit against each other.

Deal Breakers

Everyone gets to decide for themselves what their hard lines are. If you have put significant effort into managing a pursue-withdraw dynamic and still feel unhappy with how your partner shows up (from either side), it’s certainly always your prerogative to decide that you no longer want partnership with this person. That choice doesn’t make them or you bad, it just means you’re recognizing you could find a better fit.

Does your relationship sometimes get stuck in a pursue-withdraw dynamic? How do you manage it? Drop a comment about how you cope with this particular tricky pattern.