Managing A Pursue-Withdraw Dynamic In Your Relationship

When You And Your Partner Seek Different Forms Of Intimacy

Let’s get right into it! Today I’m answering a reader’s question. As you’ll see, I had a lot to say on this topic, so buckle up.

Today’s question is:

Dear Dr. Marina...How can you make a relationship work with an avoidant partner when you are an anxious partner? My partner is loving in his own ways but then there are times where I don’t feel like it’s enough and keep needing so much attention and validation, which I am aware are not his responsibility. So I guess my question is how can we make this relationship work?

In my work with high conflict couples, I purposefully limit the use of psychological jargon of all kinds, and very particularly attachment language, because it often reinforces an unhelpful conflict dynamic, creates a climate of "diagnosis” and blame, and doesn’t necessarily even help change the attachment patterns at play.

But, just because I rarely use attachment-speak doesn’t mean I’m not (often) thinking about attachment.

A Few Things To Know About Attachment

Before I break down the question, there are a couple attachment basics we need to clarify.

Adult attachment patterns are not always apparent or even possible to self-assess. People can appear anxious in one relationship and appear avoidant in another. Attachment is not as simple as social media might lead you to believe.

But setting aside whether you personally can accurately assess your own or your partners’ true attachment style, the “anxious-avoidant dynamic” is a real thing (also sometimes called a demand-withdraw or pursuer-distancer pattern).

If this is the vibe in your relationship, one partner likely has a stronger desire for  reassurance and affirmation while the other needs less or finds these needs frightening, over-stimulating, or even repulsive.

These patterns are reciprocally reinforced, such that the more one partner withdraws, the more need there is to pursue (and vice-versa: the more one partner pursue, the more withdrawal is needed). This is why the same people can appear quite different in different relationships.

Notice that I’m not saying that one partner wants more “connection” than the other. In their own way, both people are seeking a form of stable connection (more on this in a moment).

You’ll find a lot of resources focused on extremes (for example, avoidant partners who are unwilling to meet even the most basic relationship needs or anxious partners who cannot function without instant validation). While such partners do exist, they are not the norm. It’s probably not that your partner never meets any of your emotional needs or that they always demand more from you. Real life is more nuanced.

For the purpose of today’s post, I’m going to use the language “pursue-withdraw” because I find it is most concrete and descriptive and does not assume we actually know either partner’s attachment pattern.

I know that was a lot of backstory! Next up, I’ll walk you through how I think about this particular dynamic and some practical ways to work with it.