Criticism And Defensiveness Stem From The Same Place

And We're Talking About Them All Wrong

If I want a post to go viral, I talk about defensiveness. It's one of the most reliably engaging topics right now. People love to chime in about defensiveness.

Unfortunately, the conversations that emerge tend to be really polarizing. Defensiveness is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse in the Gottman method, which is one of the most widely known relationship philosophies (hence, people on the internet are likely to know a bit about it).

Although the Gottmans frame defensiveness as a common response to criticism (another horseman), it has taken on a life of its own online and is seen as uniquely toxic by many. And I don't disagree, especially when it is a reflexive response with minimal flexibility. But because "highly defensive partners" are often partnered with "highly critical partners," it's a little misguided to focus exclusively on one half of the equation. They both matter.

But I actually think the whole discourse on criticism and defensiveness is backward.

Today, I'm sharing the way I think about criticism and defensiveness, a philosophy that goes deeper than the surface solutions you've likely seen.

I'll share:

• backstory on criticism and defensiveness and how they're often discussed,
• the shared core deficit that drives both criticism and defensiveness,
• why "outside-in" approaches often fail to disrupt the criticism-defensiveness loop,
• how seeing criticism and defensiveness as opposing "sides" just makes everything worse,
• and the inner work that actually moves the needle.

Let's dive in!