The Moment I Stopped Being A Jerk To My Husband

My Code of Conduct As A Hot-Head

Let's set the scene. My husband and I were newly engaged and had moved into a new house in a new state while I completed my internship year. We were setting up our guest room and trying to get a finicky futon to unfold. As frustrations mounted, I started snapping at him. "Pull, don't push. No, not like that."

As we sweated over the uncooperative wannabe bed, I gradually shifted from pissy to all-out hostile. It wasn't just my tone. I was fully taking my anger at the bed out on him. "Jeez, what is your problem?" I huffed. "You're not doing it right, come on!"

Eventually, he paused and looked right at me. "You don't have to be mean," he said, very calmly.

I felt a big wave of shame wash over me. He was right. I was being mean. And over what? A cheap futon bed that didn't work because it didn't work, not because he was doing anything wrong.

I took a breath, let the shame finish its course, and responded. "You're right. I'm sorry. I'm so frustrated by this thing."

We got the bed to open. Years later, I still think about that moment, because although I didn't know it at the time, it was a turning point in how I thought about my own communication in our relationship.

Keep reading to hear:

• the rules I've developed for myself to prevent nasty behavior,
• how to develop your own code of conduct,
• and why getting clear on how you will and won't act is an inside job.