Boundaries vs. Threats vs. Ultimatums In Your Relationship

Setting And Holding Strong Limits Without Control

I got a question this week about how to clarify the difference between boundaries and ultimatums in your relationship. Especially for complex or high conflict couples, this is a vital question.

Unless you've been hiding under an internet rock (which I totally support you to keep doing), you'll probably know that boundaries are lines you hold for yourself. That's because you can, quite literally, only control yourself, so it makes no sense to set boundaries that you can't actually uphold.

In contrast, threats are focused on controlling your partner. Rather than emphasizing your personal autonomy and the actions you will take, a threat attempts to control them.

Finally, I think of ultimatums as threats with a timer attached.

Very often, the difference between a boundary and a threat/ultimatum is very subtle and even internal. You might in some cases say the same exact words and the meaning could be that you are setting a boundary or that you are making a threat depending on the context and relationship.

The difference matters, though, because while boundaries will strengthen your sense of self and lead to healthier connection, threats and ultimatums will erode trust, leave you confused about what you can and can't actually control, and even potentially manipulate your partner.

So, let's dive in, shall we? I'll cover:

• boundaries you can (and can't) set in your relationship,
• what turns a boundary into a threat,
• how to share your upcoming limits without resorting to ultimatums,
• and why it's actually a good thing that you can't "make them" change.