Are You Setting Boundaries...Or Retaliating Against Your Partner?

When Your "Limits" Are Actually Punishment

Boundaries are a good thing! We like boundaries! And also, it's all-too-easy to think, in the moment, that you're setting a firm boundary (or, more vaguely, "standing up for yourself") when what you're actually doing is retaliating against your partner for the hurt they have caused you.

Boundaries vs. Threats vs. Ultimatums In Your Relationship

Setting And Holding Strong Limits Without Control I got a question this week about how to clarify the difference between boundaries and ultimatums in your relationship. Especially for complex or high conflict couples, this is a vital question. Unless you’ve been hiding under an internet rock (which I totally support

Love Notes for Real LifeMarina Rosenthal

This post is not going to help you determine whether your partner is setting boundaries or retaliating against you. Boundaries are about you, so you can't "diagnose" from the outside whether they're setting a personal limit because that's what they need to do or whether they're putting up that limit to punish you. You can, of course, decide how you'll respond to their boundary.

It's also a reality that your partner might feel punished by a boundary you set. That subjective feeling is their experience, but it's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about when the actual energy and (conscious or unconscious) intent of your "boundary" is to retaliate, wound, or punish.

In this post I'll walk through what really differentiates boundaries from retaliation and explore in-depth five common examples of twisted boundaries that really just serve to retaliate.

Let's get in deep, k?