Are You Asking for Too Much Validation...Or Not Enough?

Where TF Is The Bar, Anyway?

I recently got a really thoughtful DM that I'm excited to break down.

I really appreciate your content! And your perspective that our partners should not be treated as validation machines. Do you have advice for people who struggle to discern between whether they are asking too much or whether they are asking for a healthy amount of validation but just aren’t being met? Like, do I feel like my needs aren’t getting met because I’m asking too much? Or are they not getting met because my partner doesn’t have the capacity to validate my feelings?

Because...isn't this the question? Especially for folks recovering from harmful past relationships or family of origin dynamics, it can truly be difficult to tell whether you are hypervigilant and expecting perfection from a partner or failing to stand up for your own basic needs and desires in a relationship. And the distinction matters! Depending on where you fall, you might decide to tolerate moments without validation, ask your partner vigorously and repeatedly to tune in more to what you're feeling, or even end the relationship.

As you might imagine, I have lots of thoughts about this one, so let's jump right on in.

I'll cover:

• what validation even is anyway,
• when (and how much) validation you can expect in a healthy relationship,
• what to do when you're not getting the validation you need,
• why some people struggle to validate others' emotions,
• and how exactly to provide validation if you want to learn!

It's juicy!

What Is Validation?

Let's start here. Validation is when your partner shows you that your emotional experience is real and acceptable. Online, validation often gets distilled down to someone saying "you're right to feel that way" or "I get why you feel that way" or "I would feel that way too." All of these statements can be validating, but they're not validation in and of themselves.

In reality, validation is show, not tell. No one will feel validated if you flatly say "ok, you have a right to your feelings" and then change the subject. And on the flip side, your partner may well feel validated if you messily but lovingly say, "ah, it's so complicated, I don't totally get it and part of me feels like you don't really need to feel this way...but I love you and I see you and I'm here, even when I don't get it."

Validation is a vibe, not a script. And because it's a vibe, you and your partner will need to work together over time to accurately convey that vibe to each other. Some mutual adjusting and miscommunication is normal because of how you're not carbon copies of the same person.

When Can You Expect Validation?

Now here's the tricky part. How much validation can you expect?

Obviously relationships and contexts are different. If your relationship is incredibly rocky you can probably expect a lot less validation until things get more solid. If you've recently seriously hurt your partner and are in process of repairing with them, you will probably not be the recipient of much validation in the coming days.

But zooming out, I hope you feel some sense of emotional validation (again, a vibe, not a script) in 70% of your emotion-focused interactions with your partner.

To be clear, that means we're not counting random chit chat that isn't about feelings. But when feelings are on the table, you would give the validation vibes a C- at minimum.

It might feel silly to put a number or grade on it, and I'm not telling you to turn around and tell your partner "you're giving D- validation" (seriously, please don't).

But especially for people who lack relationship modeling and struggle to discern what good enough really is, this sort of scaling can really help make something abstract feel more concrete.

If you're not sure, don't just guess. In emotional conversations, observe whether there is validation going down to any extent. Pay attention to validation efforts your partner may be making that you brush past because they're not formatted exactly right. And ask yourself...are we hitting that C- minimum?

To be clear, I'm not saying you should stop at C-. If you desire more validation, there's a lot you and your partner can do together to increase your emotional attunement and connection. But as a general baseline or norm, I like 70% as a starting place and minimum. Anything lower may signal that your relationship is in bad shape or that your partner really struggles to offer validation (or both).

Can You Receive It When It Comes?

This won't apply to everyone, but some people have real difficulty accepting validation. Your partner says, "Yeah I can see why this is upsetting" in a kind tone. But you just can't take it in.

Like everything in a relationship, both people need to actively participate for validation to work. It's worth a quick check-in with yourself: what does receiving validation feel like? Can you allow it in when it arrives?

When The Validation Grade Is Failing

Some partners are great at validation. Therapists get trained on how to do this, because it's a literal skill. So it stands that some partners will be way better at validation than others. And it's also true that some people crave more validation than others. Pair a "desires a lot of validation" partner with a "struggles to give validation" partner, and you'll probably have some challenges to work through in order to meet each other.

If you believe your partner just doesn't have the tools, you can ask for what you need in concrete terms. Saying "I want you to validate me more" is rarely concrete enough for someone learning this skill. For example, you can say:

• "I like when you ask follow-up questions. It makes me feel cared for."
• "Can you please let me know if it's not a good time to listen? And if it is a good time, I would really appreciate it if you put down your phone."
• "I know you listen while moving around, but can you tell me you're listening so I know I'm not talking into the air?"
• "I really like when you say back what I'm feeling to me. It helps me feel heard."

Couples therapy is tremendously helpful when there's a skill gap, because the therapist can take on the role of coaching your partner rather than that work being carried by you, the one who needs validation. And, real talk, you might be contributing in ways you can't see to the validation gap, so it never hurts to get outside expert eyes on your dynamic.

What if your partner really doesn't seem to WANT to provide validation?

Some people find the very idea of providing validation aversive. It feels super icky. They might say things like:

• "You just want me to be a robot"
• "You expect me to repeat after you like a child"
• "I don't expect validation for everything I feel, why do I have to provide it to you?"

Barring the possibility that you have set up a very rigid definition of validation and won't accept anything other than the exact words you've prescribed, this resistance probably goes a bit deeper and isn't necessarily going to disappear overnight.

Many people struggle with validation because:

• They were raised to believe emotions are not real and hence don't need acknowledgement
• They don't know how to validate themselves and therefore can't validate someone else
• They grew up in a controlling context and find any "scripting" of their speech restrictive and unpleasant

And of course many other reasons exist. If it seems that your partner doesn't just not know how to validate emotions but actively does not WANT to validate emotions, therapy is the best place to work this stuff out. Individual for them, if they're willing to see this as a problem, couples therapy if you're struggling to help them see why this matters, and individual for you if they refuse either option so you can decide how to proceed and what boundaries to hold.

Real Deal Validation

Now, if you want to provide more validation in your relationship, let's get into exactly how you can offer it.

1. LISTEN. Listening is an embodied, physical act. Put down your phone. Turn your body toward them. If you're someone who listens better while moving or you're just in the middle of something that won't distract you, say that out loud so they know you're tuned in ("I'm going to keep doing the dishes, but you have my attention").
2. Show curiosity. Remember, you don't need to say "that's valid" on repeat. It's fine to say, but not as a reflex. Show validity with your energy toward your partner. Ask follow-up questions. Offer to keep listening. Bring the topic up again proactively.
3. Acknowledge and engage with their emotions. There's so much more available to you than "that sucks" or "that's fair." Name what you're hearing. Wonder aloud if they're feeling anything else. Connect to the emotion because you've felt that way before or feel compassion for them.

Remember, validation is a VIBE. If you do any of the above because you feel like you're supposed to but don't really want to, that vibe will shine through and the validation won't land.

I hope this post offers you some guidance and support around validation. What follow up questions do you have? What barriers block validation in your relationship?