Are Break Up Threats Abuse?

And If So, Who Is The Abusive One?

Over on Instagram, I recently posted some content talking about how harmful it is to threaten to break up with your partner during conflict. Basically, even though at the time you might feel like you mean it, if you later walk back your words, you're reinforcing intense conflict behaviors for future fights—plus it's destabilizing for both partners.

When I post this type of content, I tend to get two types of interesting comments and DMs on the topic. In sum, people say:

1. It is abusive to threaten to break up with your partner.
2. People only make break up threats if their partner is terrible and possibly abusive.

This is actually an exceptionally nuanced topic, and while I tried to field the comment section, I'd much rather dive deep here.

Where Is The Line Between Sucky Relationship Behavior... And Abuse?

And What To Do When You’re Both Saying “You’re The Abusive One” Let’s get right into it. Today we’re doing a Dear Dr. Marina, where I answer longer form reader questions. This one is complex, so settle in. Dear Dr. Marina...Most of your posts have a caveat stating

Love Notes for Real LifeMarina Rosenthal

In today's post, I explore:

• why it's not as simple as "break up threats are abusive,"
• how break up threats can a sign of abuse in either direction,
• and what to do instead during conflict when you're at your wits' end.

Let's go!