I Asked My Husband For Extra Affirmation. He Didn't Follow Through.

How We Navigated A Recent Conflict About Appreciation

I'm going to be radically honest. I really like affirmation and appreciation. I enjoy giving to others and get genuine pleasure from meeting the needs of my family. But I am not someone who can do so day in, day out without clear verbal affirmation of my labor.

Now let's be clear...I think it's very reasonable to desire recognition for the work we do in our relationships and families! I try to provide this type of acknowledgement to my partner, even though he craves it less than I do.

And also, for me, there is a shadowy side to this craving. I can fail to self-assess my own capacity, give way too much, and then want a ton of affirmation to make up for the fact that I over-extended. This is not a healthy pattern for me, and I'm working on it.

How I’m Learning To Stop Being A Martyr

Unlearning The Performance of Being “Perfect” One of my least helpful tendencies is that I struggle so hard not to make a martyr out of myself. Regrettably, many of my coping skills that I developed throughout my early adulthood were basically martyrdom in disguise. For example, I used to have

Love Notes for Real LifeMarina Rosenthal

So yes, I have some work to do in this area. And, alongside that work, there's another angle, which is that providing appreciation is a growth edge for my partner. He has come a long way, but he has historically struggled to offer spontaneous verbal affirmation.

I want a lot of affirmation. He struggles to give it. This difference installs a booby trap in our marriage. Sometimes we fall into the trap and thrash around a bit.

We recently stumbled straight into this snare. And I'll be real, I was really disappointed to find us there again. Here's what happened and how we worked through it.