When Your Partner's ADHD Symptoms Impact You

Collaborative Coping For Neurodivergent Couples

Hi loves... it's Dear Dr. Marina Day! No preamble, let's go. Today's reader question is about loving someone whose brain works differently than your own, which I know many of you will viscerally relate to!

Dear Dr. Marina...My husband has severe ADHD. This is a recent revelation—one day we suddenly realized that so much of what he struggles with can be attributed to it. Such as: Me asking a question, him giving a one word answer and leaving me feeling alone as his brain takes him in 20 different directions. Him changing the subject when I'm trying to talk about something important because his attention gets caught by a shiny object or errant thought. His getting distracted halfway through what I'm saying, and then just filling in the blanks of what he missed—and inevitably filling in those blanks incorrectly. And on and on. Knowing that addressing the ADHD is its own thing, I'm struggling with how to address my hurt and anger in a way that acknowledges that his brain is doing him dirty and that he's not doing these things on purpose, but without having to just let everything go because it technically "isn't his fault." I want to be a supportive, understanding partner, but I also want to feel validated in my pain, anger, and frustration at the same time. Because even if he isn't doing these things to me on purpose, they are still happening to me. So often I am not getting what I need from him, and this triggers a huge fight. It feels like the only way to end the fights is to just give up on getting what I need. I know he feels overwhelmed, and frustrated, and wants very much to be who I need him to be, so it's never about him not caring, it's about him currently being incapable of delivering. Sometimes it feels like instigating a big fight is my only recourse, my only power in the situation. And I know that's not okay, but I can't seem to find a better way.

To summarize:

• This couple has recently realized just how much ADHD is in the room in terms of how they relate to each other.
• Many of the writer's needs aren't getting met. They can see that their partner doesn't "mean" to drop the ball, but their processing style results in the ball dropping nonetheless.
• They feel like their only option is to start a big fight in order to be heard and attended to.

I really appreciate the effort the writer has made to show compassion for their partner's side of things. They're clear that none of this is malicious, but it still hurts. Let's dive in!