How To Accept Your Partner's Apology

Even When You're Not Over It Yet

Here's a relationship principle I live by. Accept apologies when they're offered.

I don't know about you, but when my partner does something hurtful, I feel a strong urge to throw repair attempts back in his face (and sometimes I succumb to that urge).

"No, you don't get it."

"You're apologizing for the wrong thing."

"You just want me to stop being mad."

But the vast majority of the time, if I'm offered an apology I do my very best to accept it. I know this is a growth edge for many, so let's talk a bit more about how to bring more "I graciously accept your repair" energy into your relationship.

Repair Is A Two-Way Street

Accepting an Apology Is an Active Process Recently, my husband made a joke that hit me poorly. It was the kind of joke he knows I don’t like. I’m sensitive to teasing, and I particularly don’t like if a joke feels like it’s meant to take

Love Notes for Real LifeMarina Rosenthal

In today's quickie love note, I'm sharing:

• The steps I take to accept repair when offered
• Why it's okay to accept repair when you're not "over it" yet
• How to work with yourself when you're not ready to accept an apology just yet.

Alrighty, let's go!

My Process For Accepting Repair

I'm lucky to have a partner who offers repair easily and effectively. Even so, sometimes I feel resistant to accepting his repair. When that arises, here's what I do.

1. Say, "thank you for apologizing." This might seem simple, but it really helps me fully acknowledge that an apology has occurred.
2. Take a beat to see how the apology lands for me. Sometimes I need time to fully integrate repair, and rushing to say more blocks that process.
3. Ask for more time as needed. In my book, it's completely okay to need another round of repair. But I've found you'll get the highest quality amends from your partner if you don't ask them to run a marathon. Schedule time another day if you are still feeling stuck.

Accepting An Apology Costs You Nothing

Sometimes, I see folks who are reluctant to accept repair because they feel it implies they are "okay" with what happened.

I strongly disagree! I find accepting repair actually mobilizes the possibility of more repair.

The process of rupture and repair is a bit like playing catch. Your partner is throwing you the ball. It's your role to catch it and throw it back. That doesn't mean the game is over. It just means you're continuing to play the game.

Tap Out As Needed

If you're in a place where you simply cannot accept repair, it doesn't make sense to ask your partner to keep giving it. When you find yourself rejecting apologies, responding with silence, or nit picking every word they said, it's time to tap out.

You can say: "I'm just not in a head space to hear apologies right now. Let's take some space and talk again later."

Even when you're the one in need of an apology, repair is still two-directional. It's okay to take time. What's not ideal is to keep asking for repair that you're not willing or ready to receive.

What repair struggles pop up in your relationship? Do you find it difficult or easy to accept your partner's repair?